Catching My Breath
When you Google the meaning of overwhelmed one of the definitions is: “Defeat completely.” And completely defeated can perfectly go to describe how I have been feeling at times.
I have been taking care of my mom after her knee surgery and some days are easier than others. Some moments I feel like I am constantly getting up to help her or to care for the animals. My downtime when she is relaxing or napping doesn’t even feel like downtime because I always have something to do.
Even now, I am constantly stopping and starting this post. Today has been an easier day than the past few days but as the day goes on the harder things seem to get.
Yesterday, I was able to get to an AA meeting and I was glad for the reprieve. Although, I completely broke down in my friend Amy’s car on the way to the meeting. Then afterward, the waterworks started again. I can hardly take care of myself somedays let alone another adult. Sometimes, it’s just too much for me to handle.
I am not getting much writing done either which is usually my way of staying sane. I have no privacy whatsoever either. And being bipolar, I need my privacy every now and again to decompress. I like to journal in private at night and I can’t even do that.
I keep trying to tell myself that it could be so much worse because it really could be. But that doesn’t stop the way that I feel. I feel like I just can’t catch my breath no matter how hard I try. And I am drained mentally and physically. This isn’t good for my mental health at all.
Plus, I have the stress of my disability hearing coming up on the 21st and I am so worried that I am going to get denied and the rest of my life really depends on this.
I am filled with so much anxiety and I hate feeling like this. Then again, who really likes feeling anxious and overwhelmed? Not me, that’s for sure!
To be honest, I am surprised that I am not riddled with panic attacks… yet. The day of my hearing my psychiatrist said that she would prescribe me a single dose of something that is a bit stronger than my Buspar and Gabapentin.
I am weary of doing that even though I know it would be beneficial because I want the judge to be able to see me as I really am; an overly anxious bipolar mess who can laugh and cry at the same time.
I just need a break, and Saturday is supposed to be that day since my sister has off of work this weekend. Saturday morning I am going with my sponsor to a meeting and possibly doing some step work. Then, my sister is going to go grocery shopping which means I am going to have to tend to my mom but then afterward a friend is picking me up and I am going to be spending the night at their house.
I don’t know how much fun I am going to be during my sleepover Saturday because I will probably just want to sleep the whole day. I am averaging less than 5 hours of sleep a night and it’s really fucking with my mood. I haven’t gotten more than 5 hours of sleep since October.
I just need a break.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.