Happy Belated Halloween 👻
I would like to wish everyone a happy belated Halloween! I really wanted to blog on Halloween itself but things have been pretty hectic for me the past few days. On October 31st, 2019, I had to get up at 4 o’clock in the morning to go with my sister to take my mom to the hospital. Good thing my mom isn’t overly superstitious because she chose Halloween to have her surgery done. She got a total knee replacement on her right knee.
My mom’s surgery went very well and her surgeon even finished the procedure an hour early. She’s doing well but is in a lot of pain — which is to be expected. After all, they basically cut out her knee and gave her a fake one. The very next day she was cleared to come home already.
To be honest, I think they prematurely released her but that is just my opinion. My mom was more than grateful to leave the hospital earlier than anticipated. Then again, who really likes being in the hospital anyway?
My mom and my sister who dressed up as a bear for Halloween! 🤪
While most people were celebrating Halloween with friends and family and playing dressup, I was overthinking and anxiously praying that my moms surgery went well. Even though I was at my moms house with my sister, I still felt completely lonely and almost secluded. Plus, I was really missing my ex; as I do every holiday.
Currently, it is about 2 a.m. and I am laying on my moms living room floor while she is trying to sleep on the sofa. Since I have chronic back pain, the floor probably isn’t the best idea but I wanted to be near my mom incase she needs anything or needs to get up. She needs a lot of assistance but it’s the least I could do for all the times that shes taken care of me and my siblings.
I was originally supposed to sleep up stairs in her bed but like I said, I wanted to be near. My mom thought it was a good idea too.
I think the hardest thing about her post-OP recovery is trying to keep her dogs away from her leg. They missed her dearly while she was in the hospital but we can’t risk them hurting her leg so we had to pretty much barricade the living room so they can’t come in. It’s the only thing we could think of.
It’s okay to feel things… 🤯
Mentally, I am all over the place still. I’m up and then down and then down and then up. I feel more bipolar than the weather in Pennsylvania, and that is saying a lot. I haven’t really been sleeping much and I don’t foresee me getting much sleep tonight either.
Everytime I try to lay down and sleep something happens and I have to get back up; I either have to help my mom, tend to the pets, or do something for myself. And, if you werent already aware, sleep is very important for people with mental health disorders.
I honestly feel like there’s no point in trying to go to sleep tonight even though I am starting to feel pretty exhausted. My mind is hyper-aware and running at full speed but my body wants to crash and is running on empty. Plus, I am in a lot of physical pain right now between my back and my still-sprained foot.
I’ve been walking on it much more than I should be. I get the whole, “A body in motion stays in motion,” thing but I should really be resting my foot more than I do. I feel like my foot is never going to heal and it’s annoying af (as f**k).
I know I don’t talk about my sobriety much anymore, but as of October 27th, 2019, I am 26 months sober. I recently got a new sponsor and I think she may be a good fit. I am also finally working on the steps and I am almost done with my 4th step. It’s long overdue. I don’t make as many meetings as I probably should but at least I get to some. Although, with me being my moms primary caretaker I don’t foresee me being able to make too many now.
One day at a time. 26 months sober.
Well, I should probably try finally lay down.
Until next time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.