[TW] Late Night Thoughts: Mixed Episode
My mood is all over the place right now. I think I am in a mixed bipolar episode. These episodes can really be the worst. It feels like there is two or three of me arguing inside of my head. It’s like there is a f***ing battle going on in my mind. I can’t stand it!
I was feeling really up and manic, plus I am wide awake and it’s midnight. Then, out of nowhere I got really, really sad and depressed and now I feel like I just can’t stop crying. I am sad af (as f**k) right now. I really hate feeling like this and I had such an excellent day hanging out with my best friend. We just hung out, talked, and laughed a lot.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was really enjoying my manic episode but now that I realize it’s a mixed episode, I just want it to go away. Most days I can deal with my Bipolar Disorder, but right now is not one of the times that I can see any good in being Bipolar. It is more of a nuisance right now.
My anxiety is pretty high right now too. I am just a f***ed up ball of emotions. To match my mood, I have NF playing on Spotify. I am listening to the saddest songs; “Wake up,” “How Could You Leave Us,” “Let You Down,” “Trauma,” along with a few others.
I keep going from crying hysterically to wanting to laugh. I usually rapid cycle, so I am hoping this episode fades away quickly. Originally, before this episode came on, I had all these happy thoughts that I wanted to blog about but those good thoughts are long gone now.
I just don’t feel like myself. I even had an increase in my one bipolar medication; Abilify. I went from 5mg to 7.5mg. Abilify is one of those low dose medications. I know that if I can ever actually fall asleep tonight that I will wake up in the morning feeling better. I just have to survive the night.
Some nights I really struggle with suicidal thoughts and feel like people would be better off without me. I’ll feel like a complete burden to everyone. Other nights I am perfectly fine and feel like I can handle life on life’s terms. Tonight is one of the nights that I am struggling with suicidal thoughts.
In the back of my mind I know that I will not act on these suicidal thoughts. They are just thoughts that cross my mind. That is the logical part of my brain. The illogical part of my mind is telling me to self-harm. It is telling me that hurting myself will make me feel better. Self-injury is something that I have relied on since I was 12-years-old and I am now 33; that is 21 years of using this unhealthy coping mechanism.
I am fighting the urges to self-harm with everything that I have. It is an addiction that can be just as bad as a drug or alcohol addiction. Once you start hurting yourself to release your emotions, it oftentimes becomes hard to stop. I haven’t cut myself in over a month now. Perhaps even two months. I didn’t keep track of the date or anything when maybe I should have. I would love to know how long I have gone without bringing out my shiny razors.
Right now, the tears have finally subsided. But the question is: How long will it last before the waterworks turn back on? I know it’s not an if it happens, because it’s more like when it happens because it always eventually comes back in full force.
I really miss having my own space because I constantly feel like I am in the way when I just crash on peoples sofas. I am still technically homeless. My disability hearing is one month and one day away. I’m nervous af. If I get approved, I will be able to get my own place. But if I get denied I feel like my whole life will be over because then I would really be completely homeless. I have been down that road before and it is not something that I would even wish on my worst enemy.
Blogging about the chaos inside my head is actually helping me to feel better since I am getting some of my feelings and emotions out.
When I get like this I tend to feel incredibly lonely. I feel all alone. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me that I am going to be okay, that I am not a burden, and that I am loved. It’s like I just want to scream, “Tell me you love me!”
I just want to be okay. Is that too much to ask for?
I’d say I want to be normal, but there is no such thing as normal. Everyone goes through their own s**t and have internal battles that they keep locked inside. Some people just handle emotional issues and stress differently. What one person can handle can make another person break down.
We should never judge how someone handles a situation because we are all built differently. We are all unique in our own way.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.