Contemplating Life

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Yesterday was the two year anniversary of Wade’s death. I can’t believe that it has been two years already since he passed away. I really wish that I could bring him back to help ease my best friend and Godchildren’s pain. He left three wonderful children behind. What do I have to say about this? Fuck heroin!

I spend most of the day with my bestie and her children. We went to this park where Jazmine, Wade, and I used to hang out in our younger days – Trout Creek – and we wrote messages to Wade on Balloons and released them in the wide-open sky.

Jazmine thanked me for being there for her and there is nowhere else I would have rather been. It’s bittersweet. It’s a young life wasted. In the back of my head, I have this fucked up illogical thought that has me wondering what it would be like if I were to die. Who would miss me? Would people be better off if I weren’t around? Am I burden to those that I care about and love the most? I contemplate these things all the time and then some.

My mood was really good yesterday despite my distorted thoughts and it being the anniversary. But I highly believe my cheerful mood was because I was feeling manic. My mom even told me that I was kinda shakey (I didn’t even notice). I’m feeling pretty up today too. The only thing that sucks about having a good manic episode is the fact that after every high comes a low crash.

Below is my Facebook post about Wade’s death anniversary along with a few pictures from the balloon release and there is also a video of it in the post…

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The anniversary also brought back the thoughts about my Aunt Laura’s death. I know far too many people who have passed away from drugs and/or alcohol and it really sucks. Too many people have been taken from me too early.

I saw my psych doctor yesterday and she raised my Abilify to 5mg a day for my bipolar disorder and she also raised my Gabapentin to 400mg three times a day for my anxiety. I really hope the increases help me because I am so tired of living like this. I am tired of the ups and downs and rapid cycling.

The My Bipolar Mind Book

So, the My Bipolar Mind: You’re not alone book is officially off the market after a riff with my former publisher ETP. However, I have some awesome news! My amazing friend Jess is helping my re-publish the book with a tweak on the title. It is now going to be called My Bipolar Mind: A Memoir. I am super excited about this and she even redid the cover for me. I adore it so much! I am more excited about the relaunch than I was about having ETP publish it!

We are adding some things to it and reediting it. The release date is to be announced. It may come back out at the end of 2019 or early 2020, so stay tuned!

Life Gone Wrong ©

I have mentioned a few times that I wrote a book when I was 18 and never really did anything with it. I named It Life Gone Wrong. The synopsis for the book goes as follows:

Angela Marie Benet started off as your average American teenager. She has an amazing family and great friends. As the years progressed, Angela started to sink deeper and deeper into a depression and downward spiral. She began to seclude herself from the ones that cared about her the most as her drug and alcohol use grew more severe. Without nowhere else turn, Angela makes a drastic attempt to get help for her worsening moods by making an attempt on her own life. Angela slowly begins to realize that sometimes you need to fall before you can pick yourself back up.

Life Gone Wrong by Samantha Steiner

Jess and I plan to edit this book since I wrote it so long ago and I honestly cannot wait to start editing it and getting it ready for publication. I have waited so long to have this book published and it looks like my dream may be coming true within the next year. 🤩😍🤗😀😃😁

Until Next Time & Thanks For Reading!

Samantha 💖🤪