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I’m Doing The Best I Can

Photo by Tran Mau Tri Tam on Unsplash

I’m Doing The Best I Can

On August 4, 2019, I turned 33-years-old. I created so many different blog posts since my birthday but all kinds of different craziness would happen and I would delete the post and start fresh with more to talk about. To be honest, I will even be amazed if I finish this post. Sometimes I feel like my life could be a Lifetime movie. Does anyone else ever feel like that or is it just me?

My birthday was very nice. My friend Amy came by and brought me this adorable unicorn cuddle pillow. My mom invited my bestie and brothers over to her house to have a cozy little birthday dinner. My mom even got me an adorable unicorn Carvel ice cream birthday cake. (I am obsessed with unicorns!)

One not so nice gift that I got was painful leg swelling with muscle tightness, especially in my right leg. I even went up 15 pounds due to how swollen I was! It was definitely not a good feeling! It lasted for a few days and I had this feeling that it was a reaction to yet another mood stabilizer. I made an appointment at my family doctor’s office and was sent for an emergency ultrasound on my legs along with a script to get bloodwork done. The doctor told me to hold my oxcarbazepine (the medication in question) just in case it was that.

A day or two later I ended up going to the ER in a lot of pain and had some other symptoms and was told that other than having right-sided sciatica, they didn’t know what was wrong with me. After being off of the oxcarbazepine, some of my symptoms started to subside a bit. As it turned out, it really was the medication that caused all that swelling. Now that it is out of my system fully, the swelling is gone!

Just when I started to feel better, I got injured…

Saturday was a bad day. I was dealing with some major issues with my now former book publisher and while replying to their notice of termination I didn’t realize my mom was taking the dogs out to use the bathroom.

(I gave them a bad review on Facebook because of, well, multiple issues and let’s just say they weren’t happy about it and this is how they reacted. The termination of the contract turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I just wish I had known what I know now before I paid them $400 for a cover design. On that note, the My Bipolar Mind book should be coming down everywhere. Please, if you read this and thought about purchasing the book DON’T since I will see nothing for it. Instead, you can contact me for a free PDF copy!)

So, while writing my reply to them, I heard my mom screaming and I ran to her back door to see poor Max’s body hanging out of her neighbor’s dog’s mouth. I may no longer be the owner on Max’s paperwork, but he will always be my baby. I love him and my kitty, Jasper, equally.

The neighbor’s fucking dog was attacking Max. I kept screaming for what felt like hours and grabbed my mom’s other dog Sadie and ran to get my phone to call 911. While rushing to my phone, I slipped on poor Sadie’s bodily eliminations. The shit and piss were scared out of her. I wasn’t mad at her at all, I just kept thinking about how I couldn’t lose Max for a second time because this time it would be permanent. It hasn’t even been a year since my poor Buddy tragically passed away.

When I slipped, I fell and hurt myself pretty bad. At the time, I couldn’t feel the pain because I was going into shock and was losing my fucking mind with worry for Max. That vicious dog had Max’s head in its mouth for a few minutes. I called 911 and luckily the neighbor’s husband was home because he had to put that dog in a chokehold to get her to release Max. Max didn’t look as bad as the injuries actually were. That damn dog tore some muscles in Max’s neck and he needed 12 stitches and to have a drainage tube put in his neck to keep fluid from building up. The tube was taken out yesterday. But thank God he was still alive. Had it been the other side of his neck, he wouldn’t be around right now.

When the cops came, my mom had to talk to them because I was angry at the neighbor and her dog for hurting Max. The thought of hurting an animal crossed my mind until that day. I wanted to kill that fucking dog! Plus, I was starting to shut down. I just wanted my mom to get Max to the vet. The cop that arrived obviously never had a pet a day in his life that he actually cared about. Just another reason the police departments our here are shit.

The neighbor at least agreed to pay Max’s vet bills, thank goodness. The vet wouldn’t even have seen him without a deposit. Trying to get a hold of the vet was a bit aggravating because they were closed and they left a number for emergencies… and then the emergency number had yet another number to call in case of emergencies. It took three tries to finally get a hold of someone. I am just so grateful that Max is still alive. I love that little guy to death. I will continue to love him until the day that I die.

I have a disability hearing date, finally!

With everything going wrong in my life, I finally have one thing that is going well! I got my disability hearing date for my mental health issues and it is on November 21, 2019. Fall cannot come fast enough! If I get denied, I have no idea what I am going to do. I know my mind is too fucked up for me to work right now. I keep worrying. I have nothing anymore.

Samantha View All

Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog

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