Good Morning: July 29, 2019

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I feel like I have been neglecting my blog… and I guess I pretty much have been. I have been up and down and have had some med changes since the last time I wrote. I am at a place where I am unsure where I am at mentally. Some days I am great, while other days I am not so great. But I am surviving and that is all that really matters anymore, right?

I was taken off the med carbamazepine because it was causing my extremities to swell; not even just my legs but my arms too. So, in its place, I started taking 600mg of oxcarbazepine twice a day. On top of that, she gave me gabapentin 300mg three times a day to add with my 20mg of buspirone three times a day. I am feeling a lot better than I was with this medication change.

I know I say this after every new med that I get, but maybe – just maybe – oxcarbazepine will be “the one.” A girl can dream, can’t she?

I was able to get in to see a concussion specialist per the request of my trauma counselor. The appointment went so well. I saw a doctor at a spine and joint center. He gave me lidocaine injections in my neck since I had a lot of neck pain. I must say, it helped a bit. I am holding onto the hope that it’ll continue to help for a few weeks like the doctor said it could. Since it was a chance to reduce pain in one area; I was going to take it!

The doctor said that I should go to physical therapy for the concussion and that until I am mentally stable the symptoms of the concussion can continue to seem worse. It’s like having all parts of your brain work together as one unit – which is something my brain is not currently doing.

Unlike my regular spine doctor, Dr. Kr, this doctor understood the situation and that I am homeless and couch surfing since ending my relationship and that transportation is spotty for me. Dr. Kr basically wrote me off since I was unable to complete physical therapy and wouldn’t even schedule an appointment for me. So, I am going to try the doctor that I saw for the concussion to see if he can help my back issues.

I mean, if he was able to help my neck after one visit, it gives me hope for the rest of my back.

I still feel like a burden to everyone. That is something that I am trying to work on with my trauma counselor. My regular therapist has been on vacation, so I don’t see her again until July 31st. I know that is just a few days away, but I haven’t seen her since June and that is a long time.

This working on myself stuff is pretty challenging most days. I had a blackout episode for the first time in a while and during this episode, I lashed out and really hurt a friends feelings. On top of that, I called someone from the rooms and I know I sounded so out of it but that is what usually happens during these episodes. It’s like there is no one behind the wheel at all and I am on autopilot.

I even self-harmed for the first time in a long time. I don’t even know how long I went without hurting myself but now I am starting from scratch all over again. I cut both my feet and my right wrist. Now I am going to have more scars to marks to try to hide; at least from those that don’t already know about it. I am hoping they fade a bit by the time I have to see my family doctor and the spine doctor again on August 1st.

I was so proud of myself for not cutting. But since I had blacked out, I left my razors out – and since I was at my mom’s house at the time – she found them. I later found the Altoids container they were in inside my purse. I have yet to open it to see if my razors are still tucked safely inside. I need them to feel safe.

I know that may not make sense to many people unless they are also self-injurers themselves. But there is just something that makes me feel comforted; just knowing they are there if they need them even if I don’t use them makes me feel a tiny bit less anxious when I have to be outside or around people.

I really want to apologize to the friend I hurt during my blackout episode. She is the last person I wanted to hurt. She knows who she is.

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