Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash
C’est la vie (That’s Life) 🤷♀️
“I keep a record of the wreckage of my life…” – Nightmare by Halsey. That line of Halsey’s song stuck in my head the moment I heard it. Because for me, that is incredibly true. I do keep a record of the wreckage of my life because I am a blogger that shares intimate details of my life – the good and the bad. Plus, I also journal frequently to help me get the craziness out of my head.
I have been meaning to blog for a while, but I have been going to bed early lately. But in turn, I have also been getting up much earlier than I used to. Since the breakup between me and my ex, some days I feel okay while others I am anxiety-fueled and sad.
During the daytime hours, I usually feel okay but occasionally get this twinge in my heart that misses the good days I had with my ex. Or, perhaps, more so, I am hurt that my 7-year relationship came to an end and I feel like I wasted all that time. However, I know the relationship ending and cutting ties with him was the best thing that I have done for me in a very long time.
Nighttime is the hardest for me. That is when I will start to feel sad – but not depressed – and really anxious and lonely. It will feel like someone is gripping my heart and won’t let go. But somehow, I manage to survive it every night. And I still manage to stay sober.
My anxiety does drive me crazy most days. Sometimes I even start to feel like I am about to have a panic attack but it never fully comes on. Tears will form in the corner of my eyes and I start to feel like my world is ending. I’ll feel almost paralyzed. Anxiety is not a fun thing by any means.
Another New Diagnosis…
On another note, I had an eye doctor appointment two days ago and the doctor did the glaucoma test three times using two different methods and she told me that my eye pressure was way too high and that I have glaucoma. Just another thing to add to my medical issues and concerns.
My grandmother and great grandmother both had glaucoma, but not until they were like 20 years – or more – older than I am now. I am only 32 (I will be 33 on August 4th). There is another theory as to how I got this eye disease… apparently traumatic blows to the head (including being pushed and falling and hitting your head on concrete) can actually cause something called traumatic glaucoma.
Either way, this really sucks and I have to see an eye specialist on July 9th to get tested again and, if it comes back positive again I will have to start eye drops to slow down the progress.
Glaucoma is something that many people think only older individuals get. I even thought the same thing for a very long time. But whoever else thinks that… we were incredibly wrong. I really don’t need a fourth test done because my eye doctor confirmed that I have glaucoma. She even said that if I can’t get into the specialist for 2-3 weeks that she would just prescribe the eye drops.
On a good note, I was prescribed new eyeglasses – which I now have to start wearing all the time – and they were already ready to be picked up today! That only took two days compared to the 7-10 days I had to wait at my old eye doctor’s office.
C’est la vie
C’est la vie! I can’t control the cards that I have been dealt, just like I can’t control how other people act or think. I am trying to make the best of a bad situation. The best of a few bad situations, actually. Sometimes I feel like it’s one blow after another. I am doing the best that I can with what I have and I am finally okay with not being okay most days.
I thought after my breakup that I would be a complete wreck without him. He told me every chance he got that I wouldn’t be able to live without him. But I am living; I am surviving. I realize now that it was just another form of his mental abuse. He wanted me to always think that I needed him more than he needed me.
Never again do I want to feel like I need a man to survive. I need to learn to love and respect myself. I need to learn how to make myself happy without relying on someone else to be my happiness. If anything, I want other women to learn from my experience so that they know things will be okay after leaving an abusive (mental, emotional, physical, financial, etc…) relationship.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.