Done With The Chaos: Happy & Free
My life is a complete mess right now. My 7-year relationship just came to an end a few days ago. Sometimes I am hurting a lot, other times I feel completely happy and free. But one thing I know for sure is that I will never go back to him.
I was in an emotionally and occasionally physically abusive relationship for 7 damn years. There was a lot that I hid and wouldn’t talk about. I have brought it up to my ex before about his emotionally abusive tendencies and he would get mad and deny it. He just didn’t see how fucked up he was being to me at times. Then sometimes he would intentionally mess with my head to get a reaction – and I would always react.
Not too long before my ex and I broke up, he told me that I was a burden to everyone and that I didn’t have the balls to kill myself but that I basically should. Who the fuck says that to another human being. That was something that crossed a line with me. When you have had enough, you’ve had enough.
When we were getting ready for bed, even after we had taken our meds, he started a fight with me all because he didn’t want me to write while I was at the beach and I just questioned it three different times and then he snapped. He also said that when we broke up the last time that I should have gone to bed with him instead of wanting to stay up and finish what I was doing and that everyone agrees with him. I told him it’s bull shit because the only reason everyone agrees with him is that they are scared of him and don’t have the balls to disagree with him and that people don’t know the whole story.
The whole story was that he was not taking his pills consistently every night and he would stay up all night sometimes and he would get extremely paranoid and worry about what I was doing all the time. He wouldn’t let me out of his sight. He would even stop going to his parents sometimes because of his paranoia. It was an almost intolerable time back then. I don’t know how I survived it. I don’t know how I survived a lot.
Anyway, he also said that I was too expensive to be with and that no one would want to deal with me not even my best friend or mom. Then, he said it was over but that he wanted me to stay with him and go on vacation with him and then leave when I came back. I was like fuck that shit. I called my mom and asked her to please come to get me and some of my things because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I have finally had enough.
He kept telling me that I didn’t have to leave right now, but I couldn’t stay with him another day. I was constantly walking on eggshells with him as almost everyone does. Before he said it was over, he also told me that I was stupid for staying with him. I guess I really was. He didn’t have to tell me that anymore because I was out. I think he didn’t expect me to actually leave because every other time he would say things like the stuff I have mentioned above I would just suck it up, cry, and stay with him. But not this time.
I am hurting, I mean I was with him for 7 long years, but I have also never felt this happy (at some points) and free in so damn long that it isn’t even funny anymore. It was almost like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But I can’t believe this is all real. I can’t believe that this is my life. Sometimes I feel like I am not in reality anymore.
A lot has happened in one week. Last Friday, our apartment started to flood with sewage and we called maintenance to come to take a look at it. We were left in the chaotic mess for 4 days before they decided to give us a new apartment within the complex. It wasn’t an easy task because we had to make a quick emergency move. Then a few days later, this shit happened between my ex and me and I had to move all my shit again and now all my stuff is sprawled out between my best friends house and my mom’s house.
I am sleeping on my mom and sister’s sofa right now. I am so grateful that they are allowing me to do so. I am now technically considered to be homeless though. This is not where I saw my life heading at almost 33-years-old. I am going to be a single cat lady for the rest of my life.
With my ex, when things were good, they were great. But when they were bad, they were awful. I know that sounds like a typical relationship, right? Well, in typical relationships your partner isn’t supposed to smash your laptop and then push you so fucking hard that you fly back and fall just to end up hitting your head so hard on a concrete floor that leaves you with a bad concussion. That is something that I have hidden from so many people for damn long. I even had to go to the ER, but I had to tell them that I hit my head when I fell off of a chair. I even think I told some people that I tripped and fell over my cat. He and I both know that the concussion he gave me left my mind not quite right. Yet, he still tried placing the blame on me.
No matter what happened, it was always my fault. I could breathe too loud and he would get annoyed with me. He would tell me how beautiful I was just to end the sentence with a critique about my weight. He would always tell me that I was in his way when all this time he was in my way. He made me feel worthless. He had told me on numerous occasions that I was the lowest piece of shit on earth because I didn’t make money anymore. He would call me names all the time. Yet, he still saw nothing wrong with this.
My ex got away with everything because someone was always there to bail him out. Everyone is scared of him so they cater to him. I can’t lie, I catered to him too because I was scared of how he was going to react. He would tell me that he was only with me for sex yet he would tell me how horrible I was. I guess he never took into consideration that after the first time I would say no that I didn’t want to do anything if he would keep pestering me until I gave in, of course, I wouldn’t put in my best efforts. Which happened more often than I would like to admit.
He really broke me down and it is going to take a long time before I am okay again. I accidentally burned dinner last night and I started crying like I was going to get in trouble. This relationship only added to my PTSD. I was shocked to feel free after the breakup. I feel like I had just been released from prison or something. I feel like he resented me and it showed.
Now that I have finally decided to leave the chaos behind me, it is time to start working on myself and learning how to be independent.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.