What Goes Up, Must Come Down
What goes up, must come down can easily define Bipolar Disorder. Meaning, after every high — or manic episode — a low is sure to follow.
I was feeling okay, perhaps even better than okay, for roughly a week or two. Then on Tuesday, I believe, I was feeling pretty manic. But not the nice, euphoric kind of manic. It was the unpleasant, agitated kind of mania. I manicly wrote and had more ideas than I could even keep up with. The only thing was that I was highly antisocial. I could briefly tolerate being on the phone but when it came to dealing with people in person… I just couldn’t deal with that.
My boyfriend was being so sweet and kind that day and I basically ignored him. He even bought me dinner that I couldn’t even touch. I may have wrote about this in a previous post, but everything feels so hazy that I don’t know whether I journaled or blogged about it. Internally, my mind was filled with so much chaos. I was, in a sense, an unstable B—h. It didn’t help that I wasn’t sleeping either.
By some point yedterday evening, I felt the crash after the high start to hit (and I don’t mean high as in drugs and alcohol) and I became a blubbering mess. I was way too emotional when I should have been ecstatic and excited since I learned that my book signing at Barnes & Noble will be on Saturday, May 25th between 2pm and 6pm. And don’t get me wrong, I was excited. At first. Then, my social anxieties about being in a public setting with all eyes on me started to kick into full gear and I became a nervous wreck. Not only will I be doing a book signing, but a Q&A session and a book reading as well. That’s a lot of pressure for someone with horrible anxiety and a fear of public speaking.
To make matters worse, someone close to me basically said my anxieties were invalid and to basically get over it. That’s when I realized that this person honestly had no idea what anxiety feels like though they claim to have anxiety too and that they will never be able to understand me. The past two or three days I’ve had a lot of realizations pop out of nowhere and basically slap me in the face like they were begging me to pay attention to them.
It really puts a damper on things when you were doing and feeling well to pretty much feeling like you’re suddenly not okay. People make me feel like a cry baby and a drama queen when in reality I am just mentally unwell and overly emotional. I feel too much to the point where perhaps feeling numb to everything would make life so much more tolerable. Maybe others would finally be able to tolerate me better as well.
I have to keep reminding myself that I am sick, not weak. It seems like it’s okay for others to not be okay, but when I’m not okay it’s automatically because I am bipolar. If I am having a bad day it must be because of my bipolar disorder, right? But when others who have not been diagnosed with a mental health condition have bad days, what would that make them? Do they all of a sudden become “bipolar” when they are not feeling okay? No! Things like this and being called a drama queen make me feel ashamed to admit when I am not doing well. Along with reminding myself that I am #SickNotWeak I also have to constantly tell myself that it is okay to not be okay.
I haven’t had a decent night’s rest since Monday night. Tuesday I didn’t really sleep and last night I only managed to get 2.5 hours of sleep. It’s pretty bad when all you want to knock out for the night — since the only time I ever seem to be fully okay is when I am asleep — but just can’t. I get told to just go to bed like it’s that simple. Easy peasy, right?
Well, wtf, if sleep came that easily and naturally for everyone there would be no insomniacs. It’s like, “Silly me, why didn’t I think of just going to bed and getting a good night’s rest, hehehe?” 🤔😑 It’s kind of insulting, really. It’s like telling someone with COPD to just try breathing better or like telling a diabetic to naturally control their glucose levels. Most people really aren’t arogant enough to say or assume things like that for people with physical health conditions. But it’s okay to treat a person with a mental health condition like they are idiots? Come on now, get tf out of here with that nonsense.
Wow, I honestly did not intend for this post to take on the hostel direction that it did. But I am angry. I’m angry that some of the people I care about act as if my feelings and emotions are invalid. Or that it’s okay for them to act a certain way and show their emotions but heaven forbid I do the same. I’m sick of people telling me to get over it or to just stop feeling the way that I do like it’s that simple. If a person can simply shut off their anxieties, worries, and everything else as if it’s like flipping a light switch, good for them! I don’t have that same capability.
[End of venting session]
My alarm is set to go off monetarily. I don’t know why I didn’t just shut it off when I realized around 4:30am that I probably won’t be able to fall back to sleep. My sponsor is picking me up around 9:30am so that we could do some step work. I technically never finished my 4th step, and with all the anger and resentments that have been popping up… I think finishing it may be a good idea.
They say that you find relief after you complete this step and I am seriously hoping and praying that it’s true. I don’t want to feel like I do right now for the rest of my existence on this earth. I don’t even know if I would wish these feelings on my worst enemy — unless you’re refering to my ex-husband of course. I hope a house, better yet a 30 room mansion, drops on his head and crushes his massive ego. Too mean?
When I woke up around 3:45am, I started to think about my beloved, deceased feline, Buddy, and I just started to cry thinking about how much I miss him. I love Jasper, my kitten, to the moon and back, but my mom was right. I will randomly just burst out into tears thinking about Buddy and how his young life was tragically cut short. He was such a good boy.
Well, it is now 8:40am and I must start getting dressed. I hope everyone has a great day! ✌❤💋