Why Am I Still Awake? Insomnia!
I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I am in so much physical pain that sleep should come easy, but it’s not. Insomnia has its grungy hands all over me and it’s refusing to let go. It probably doesn’t help the situation any that I finally remembered to take my nighttime meds around 1:45-2am.
I can feel my medications start to kick in already. I am probably going to feel pretty nauseous sometime soon since I took them on an empty stomach. Then again, my tummy already feels upset and it has been like that all day. It could be partially because I haven’t eaten since early afternoon due to not feeling well, and it could also be partially because I took my morning and afternoon moods on an empty stomach.
I feel terribly guilty since my boyfriend bought me dinner and I have yet to eat any of it. I don’t want him to feel like he wasted his money or anything, but it’s like a catch 22; I feel horrible because I haven’t eaten, and haven’t eaten because I feel horrible.
Minus feeling debilitated, things have been going fairly well for me these past few days. For once, I can’t fret too much. My main complaints, other than being in a substantial amount of pain, are having to cope with a great deal of bipolar agitation and periods of severe anxiety. Tonight is the first time I have been up this late due to insomnia in a quite some time.
I haven’t been very social today and would only talk on the phone for brief periods of time. I just haven’t felt like dealing with people, in general. To be honest, I don’t think I even left mIy apartment today. I was even supposed to go to a meeting with a friend but cancelled last minute so I could stay home and finish up an article. Plus, the fact that I was so anti-people probably didn’t help much either.
I took a three hour break from typing so that I could at least try to get some sleep, but it’s after 6am and have had no such luck. I don’t know whether or not I should try to sleep some more or if I should give up on trying altogether. I really could use at least a brief nap since I have my first official aqua therapy appointment today from 1:30-2:30pm. I’m still incredibly agitated, however, and extremely drained. My brain hurts too much to think with some clarity.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.