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Early Morning Thoughts: April 27th, 2019

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Early Morning Thoughts: April 27th, 2019 💭

Good Morning, Everyone!

It is a little after 5 in the morning and I have been up for some time now. I went to bed around 9 pm and woke up at 2 am. Shortly after I finally fell back to sleep, I woke up around 3 am with a muscle cramp in my leg, also known as a “Charlie Horse.” Those are always fun, right? And I have been up ever since.

All I really want to do is sleep. I am so exhausted. I am going on about day number five of getting up crazy early for no reason at all. I am currently filled with so much anxiety and I don’t even know why. I think maybe the lack of good sleep might have something to do with it. I really should have tried going back to sleep, but once 4 am rolled around, I couldn’t take staring at the ceiling any longer and decided to just get up for the day.

There is no real point in going back to sleep now I suppose since I have to be up around 8 am anyway. My boyfriend and I are going to help my mom move the rest of her stuff this morning. We basically need to get it all out since my brother seems to be growing impatient with the fact that my moms stuff isn’t fully moved out yet. I just don’t think he is being very fair to her.

I know my mom and I have had our fall outs, but I would never basically evict my own mother for whatever reason even if it has been done to me in the past. I understand that there are always three sides to every story – basically his side, her side, and the truth – but damn that is cold and for once I am not the one who is acting F-ed up. I feel so bad for my mom since her son – my brother – is acting this way. I keep trying to make sure that my mom is doing okay because I understand better than anyone in my family what it feels like to pretty much be tossed away.

My mom says that she is less stressed out, but still dealing with this issue until she gets everything out has to be hard, and I feel for her… I really do. Another messed up thing about this situation is that while my mom and I have been slowly getting some stuff out here and there, both of us have bad backs and chronic pain issues and my brother didn’t even offer to help us carry anything. I guess he hasn’t realized that the more helpful he is, the quicker things will get done. It’s common sense.

I feel extremely bad for my sister because she is going to have to do the heavy lifting today and she is dealing with some pain issues herself. When my brother kicked my mom out, he also kicked my sister out. My boyfriend will be there, but he is not allowed in my brother’s house to help us carrying the heavier stuff. My mom and I are extremely limited in what we can actually do. Hence as to why I feel bad for my sister.

I don’t like admitting that I have limitations so I am going to have to really try to be careful today otherwise I will just end up aggravating my back even more again. I just want to try to be helpful, even if that means getting hurt in the process. Although, logically, I am aware that if I get hurt again it just slows everyone else down again.

It is around 6 in the morning and the sun has slowly begun rising. It’s currently 50 degrees outside, with a supposed high of 59 degrees. Although, who really knows because, in Pennsylvania, the weather seems more bipolar than I am most days.

I should really be working on an article right now since I am getting pretty backed up, but my mind feels pretty fuzzy. It’s almost hard to think straight. Today is going to be a long day. I am starting to get kind of drowsy, but that could be because I took my anxiety med when I first started writing this post.

You would think that since I have been up for a few hours now that I would be awake enough to function properly, but I am far from that. If I were to lay down now, I could take a two-hour nap. I just don’t see that happening even though I am physically and mentally drained. I think I am beyond the help of coffee as well. I think I need a Stacker – a caffeine/energy supplement – but I am out of them. Maybe if I am lucky we can pick some up before we meet my mom at my brother’s house at 9:30 am.

On a good note, my book, My Bipolar Mind: You’re not alone, is now available on the Barnes & Noble website!! I hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Samantha View All

Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog

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