I love and adore my best friend, Jazmine. She did something that made me feel a little bit better. I cried almost 24 hours when Buddy tragically passed away. I was in such a haze and shock that I honestly don’t remember everything I wrote in my last post, So Heartbroken. I am still too heartbroken to go back and even try to read it. But my best friend showed up Friday night with a little – adorable – surprise for me. She got me a kitten. I chose to name this adorable feline Jasper.
Jasper is so adorable. And I am already starting to really bond with him when he isn’t hiding somewhere. He is about 10 to 12-weeks-old. Jazmine said the person wasn’t too sure. So, I am placing him at about 12-weeks-old which would make him about a New Years kitty. He needs a birthday, and since no one knows for sure – and I know the estimated age range – I am making his birthday New Years Day.
He will never be able to replace Buddy, though. Buddy will always have a place in my heart. I think seeing him the way I did after he broke his neck and couldn’t breathe just added to my PTSD because I keep having flashbacks to him laying there, and the look in his eyes like he needed me to help him when there wasn’t one damn thing I could do. My heart still breaks just thinking about it.
I feel like I am cheating on Buddy. Like I shouldn’t be able to smile. I just watched him die. I cried over him again earlier today. The tears just seem to come out of nowhere. Sometimes I feel like he is still here with me. I know that may sound crazy to some people, but every now and then I can hear his meow or how he used to claw at the sofa.
He was such a good boy. I love him to pieces and miss him so much that my heart aches for him. The pain he must have been in is horrible. It is going to take a long time for me to get over what happened.
I am paranoid about the safety of Jasper now. I worry about him so much and I keep thinking that he is going to get hurt too since apparently that is what happens to me now. If I don’t see him for a while since he likes to hide, I freak out and start searching for him. I know I am going to grow to love Jasper very much. He is so sweet and cuddly when he isn’t trying to hide somewhere.
I cannot thank Jazmine enough for what she did for me. I will never be able to repay her for her kindness but I sure as hell am going to try. I think Buddy would have liked Jasper.
Well I am going to go spend some time with Jasper. He lessens my bipolar depression more than even I realize. Animals are truly beneficial for mental health. 😻
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.