So Heartbroken

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Last night was horrible for me. I think I am still in shock and traumatized. My cat died last night. I heard a crash in the bathroom and happened to be right outside the door and when I looked in I seen my cat fall and snap his neck then fall over. I was the last thing Buddy seen before he died. I am so, so heartbroken right now. I have been crying since last night. I can’t even tell you what time it happened because when I saw what happened time stopped for me.

I fucking love Buddy so much. I miss him so much already. I cannot have children so he was like a child to me. First I lost Max and now I lost Buddy. Another piece of my heart has been taken away. He wasn’t just a cat to me. I feel so fucking paralyzed. I am sorry about all the F-Bombs but I am just so damn hurt right now that I just don’t give a shit.

After Buddy died and was taken away, I did way too much emotional eating and completely binged. So not only am I heartbroken but I am very disgusted with myself as well. I can’t believe he is gone. I can’t believe I saw him die. That shit is haunting me and I am already having flashbacks to seeing him there. Since he passed away in the bathroom, I totally lose my shit every time I have to go in there. I have to walk right over where he died. I believe he was trying to climb the shower curtain and fell. Cats are supposed to fucking land on their feet, right?! So what went wrong??

I called and left a message for my therapist while I was crying at 3 am. I asked her to call me in the morning and I explained what happened in the voicemail. I decided not to sleep last night. I didn’t want to sleep since Buddy isn’t here to cuddle with me. But part of me wants to just curl under the blankets and disappear. This was like some freak accident. He was only about 3-years-old I believe. He was young and so full of life. I just want my furbaby back.