My Shifting Moods

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Today started off rocky. I was riddled with anxiety about having to leave the house to go to my Primary Care Physicians office. It was horrible. Lucky for me, I found some of my CBD oil and that took the edge off quite a bit. I am a firm believer in the effects of CBD oil and all of its many benefits. It took me forever to talk myself into leaving the house. It sucks when I get like that. I mean, who gets anxiety just thinking about walking out of their front door? I cannot be the only one, right?

My appointment went well. I was put on a new temporary med for my tummy issues. I have been dealing with constant nausea that causes me to not want to eat or even take my meds. My medication schedule is all over the place because of how my stomach feels. Luckily, my mom stopped by to bring me some good food and some homemade donuts for Fausnaught Day. Did I even spell that right? I am hoping that my med will be available for pick up tomorrow so that I can start taking it. I just want to feel better. If this new medication does not help, my doctor said to call and he will put me on an actual anti-nausea medication. Wish me luck with this one!

After I got back home, my mood started to shift and I started to feel pretty good. Although, it is almost 3 am and I have not taken any of my meds yet. I am not ready to go to sleep yet even though I know I should. I’m trying not to waste this feeling. I want to cherish it and remember it for when my mood starts to shift again. That’s the thing with being bipolar; you never know how you are going to feel from day to day or even minute to minute. That is why it is so important to make good use of your time wisely when you are feeling good. It is a great time to start ticking off items on your to-do list.

I have noticed that for a lot of people with bipolar disorder, we tend to hold on to the negatives while letting the positives slip right by us. It is easier to remember the person who called you fat compared to the person who called you beautiful. And if no one told you today, you are beautiful! 😍

I am slowly trying to learn to love the skin that I am in, but it gets hard when a 5-year-old calls you “fat” like 20 times in a row. I wanted to tell the kid (my godson) that he was adopted or that I am him from the future and to get used to it because this is how is going to look. However, I decided against it and called him a poopy head instead. Yeah, I was arguing with a 5-year-old.

Honestly, he was just calling it as he sees it. It made me feel really bad about myself. I know he is just a kid, but kids are notorious for blurting out the obvious. That night, I came home and got on the scale and wanted to jump off a bridge afterward. I cannot believe how much weight I gained. Then again, when my anxiety regarding leaving the house kicks in, going for a walk outside seems impossible and far fetched. But I have to try to do something. So, if anyone has any suggestions for losing weight please leave me a comment on what you did that worked for you. It would be greatly appreciated!

Even though I am feeling pretty good, there is still this sadness that is lodged deep inside of me that just wont go away. I just feel really broken sometimes. And kind of empty.

It’s funny, the longer I type the more my mood starts to shift and my anxiety and worries are coming back as I am typing this at 03:26 AM. It is insane how quick my moods change. You can even see it in my writing. It started off happy, and then my bipolar disorder had to go and ruin it. I am still trying to hold on to the happiness that I felt just moments ago.

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