Early Morning Thoughts: March 2, 2019
I am writing this from the comfort of my bed via my smartphone. So, please don’t mind any spelling or grammar errors that you may come by. As I am writing this, it is almost 7 in the morning. My alarm is set for 9am. I can’t sleep any longer. I am way too excited. I am going to be spending the day with my best friend at her house because we are having a girl’s day today and my bestie is picking me around 10am. We are going to binge watch “chick flicks.” I feel like this is going to be so much fun!
Yesterday was any excellent day as well because the boyfriend and I spent the day at my besties house as well. We watched movies and ordered some food from this awesome chicken place via GrubHub and binge ate our dinner.
I am feeling so much better than I was since I wrote my last post about feeling like a waste of space. I am trying to create some new happy memories. And yesterday was a perfect day for that and I am sure today will create some awesome memories too.
Trigger Warning: Topic of Self-Harm
I want to touch on something serious for a moment. Yesterday also happened to be Self-Harm Awareness Day which fell on Friday, March 1, 2019. I can’t believe I missed that. But it’s better late than never to touch on the subject of self-harm.
I am not counting the days that have gone by since I last self-harmed like I do for the days that have gone by since I had my last drink. But it has been at least a good 2-3 months. I know that much for sure.
Self-harm is an addiction like any alcohol or drug; at least it is for me. It is not a cry for help in most cases for the people who use self-injury as a coping method . For me, it is a way to cope with the pain and bad things that I feel that just start to bubble up to the surface. When I feel like I can’t deal with everything that is going on around me and my “healthy” coping skills have failed is when I will harm myself. For those of you who don’t know, I am branded as a “cutter.”
I have been self-harming since I was 12-years-old and I am now 32-years-old. It no longer mattress why I started cutting because I have started to come to terms with those demons. It feels so liberating to be able to that; kind of like freeing maybe.
I have done my research and talked to others who share in this addiction with me. And most people who self- injure do not hurt themselves to try to commit suicide. For some, it’s a way to keep from killing themselves. It happens to be like that for me too.
I tend to self-harm the most when those suicidal thoughts start to kick in. When I feel like I don’t want to live anymore and I can’t see another way out. These horribe thoughts create so many negative emotions that just start to build and pile up until they are ready to explode. That is when I start to get the urges to cut to help relieve some of the pressure.
For me, cutting helps but like with any alcohol or drug, the feeling of relief is short lived. Afterward, new negative feelings take it’s place. I will start to feel ashamed and guilty for giving in to the blade. I mean, I just created yet another scar on my body when I am already wishing my other scars would go away.
That is the short version of my story about self-harm. If you are interested in reading more about my story you can check out my new book, My Bipolar Mind: You are not alone, on Amazon. For those of you who also struggle with self-harm issues, just know that you are not alone. I am in this battle with you.
I am so glad that I am feeling so much better. I hate feeling like my only option left is suicide. I was feeling like there was nothing I could do anymore and like I had no purpose in life. I was in my dark place and I really don’t like being there. I am feeling much more clear-headed now.
It is now after 8am. Trying to type on a phone seems very time consuming. Although, I did get distracted a few tines and set my phone down.
One more hour before my alarm goes off, and two more hours before my bestie picks my up for our girls day! I can’t wait. I’m feeling very impatient and I even just text her to see if she’s awake by chance. I am a very excitable woman. When I know I have plans I will usually wake up hours before hand and just keep busy to pass the time. I am like a little kid on Christmas morning waiting for their parents to get up or waiting for a good time to wake them up so that they could finally open the presents that Santa brought them.
I am also counting down the days until next Christmas like a child would be doing as well. This Christmas and even Christmas Eve was very enjoyable for me this year. It was a true blessing since the Christmas before that was just awful for me. I had been incredibly depressed for so many different reasons. I even head it all planned out about how I was going to kill myself on Christmas Night. However, a text from my best friend was the distraction I needed to stay alive. She saved my life; it wasn’t even the first time either!
Well, I am going to get ready! Thanks for reading!
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.