Up, Down & Everything In Between

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I have been meaning to blog for a little while now but every time I would create a post I would delete it. If I can remember correctly when I wrote my last personal post I was in a full-blown downswing. Since then, I have been a very agitated manic and then bounced around from up, down, to everything in between. The last post I tried to make, one of the deleted posts, was during that agitated manic episode and it sounded entirely crazy, even to me, so I decided not to keep it. I actually wish I wouldn’t have trashed it because I had so much to say at the time. It was kind of therapeutic in a way. Now, I cannot remember everything I wanted to touch base on.

I have been a having a lot of agitated episodes lately and it drives me insane. I have been snapping at people when I don’t mean to. I just feel out of control and I hate feeling that way. Then, feeling out of control ultimately leads to an increase in my anxiety which further increases my agitation. I just cannot win when it comes to these two emotions. They seem to rule my life sometimes.

I have been trying to be more active lately. Even if that just means leaving my house and going to my besties house. Last weekend, my best friend and some of her family and my boyfriend and I went to this museum called The Franklin Institute in Philadelphia and we had such a great time. There was so much to look at and do. I was able to take some awesome pics. There was even this Tesla machine that produced lightning. I will post a few pics below.

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This weekend was also eventful for me. Saturday I spent some time with the bestie while she was getting car work done. Then Sunday I went to a free Art Therapy class at a recovery center with my sponsor, her mom, and my mom. We had a blast. It was the first time I painted anything in a very long time. I wasn’t totally impressed with my artwork (pictured to the left) but it was still very fun! I definitely wouldn’t mind going again. After the art class, I went with my sponsor to a meeting before heading home for the night.

Next weekend, we (Jazmine and her family and Mike and I) are going to another museum in Philly called the Mutter Museum. It has all these medical oddities and such that have been preserved in glass jars. They are even supposed to be one of two museums that have a slice of Ben Franklin’s brain! That is insane!

The good thing about going to these museums that many people are unaware of, which we have recently learned, is that (at least in our home state of PA) if you have the Access Card and receive Medicaid or SNAP you and your family – up to 4 people – can get in to some of these museums for only $2 a person! So, if you live in PA and meet the requirements, Google which places participate in this offer and go out and have some fun with family or friends! There are about 42 places that participate. I think people should be aware of these kinds of things. It’s a great way for loved ones to spend some time together.

When we can, we plan to go out and do a lot more than just these two museums.

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I hope that everyone had a fantastic Valentines Day. I know it can be hard for some people. Mine was okay, but Mike and I didn’t get to spend much time together. By the time we sat down to watch a movie together, I had fallen asleep on the sofa and we just ended up going to bed shortly after.

On a different note, I was hoping that my newest med, Tegretol, would finally be the med that was going to help with the rapid cycling. At first, I thought I had noticed a decrease in mood swings but as of lately it has become evident that that is not the case. My dose was even adjusted and increased but I still feel the same way. I do understand that meds only do a portion of the work and that we have to put in the rest of the effort by doing things like going to therapy and utilizing coping skills, but I just don’t feel like this med is going to be “the one” anymore. At times, I feel like we are never going to find the right combination.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder about 18 years ago, so there has been a lot of trial and error when it comes to finding the right meds for me. I finally found an anxiety med that is as good as it gets without it being a benzodiazepine, I am on something that works well for my ADHD, and I found something that helps put me to sleep. However, it no longer keeps me asleep at night. Now, we just have to find a good mood stabilizer which is proving to be the most difficult part.

Anyone who is going through a hard time finding the right meds for them as well, just know that you are not alone because I am right there with you in the med battle. And the struggle is real!

Thanks for reading! Until Next Time…

Much Love,

Samantha