A Storm Is Brewing…
A storm is brewing and a depressive episode is underway. I can feel it try to pull me under the surface as it surrounds me. I am trying to fight my way against it with everything that I have. I knew after the mania ended that I was headed in this direction. I was just hoping that it wouldn’t be so soon.
I am in a gray area right now. I had a friend who was in crisis this weekend and then everything seemed to pile on after that. I am now having a hard time looking at my bipolar disorder as a blessing in disguise at this moment in time.
I have been very emotional lately with crying spells again and I am back to finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning. I mean, what for? The only reason I even get out of bed after sleeping about 12 hours or so is that my body will ache and feel incredibly stiff. The physical pain is not worth staying in bed all day.
I have been reaching out to people and being honest about how I feel for a change. That still doesn’t make it easier. Although, I really do appreciate everyone who has been talking to me lately more than they may even realize. I am just not in a good place today. I am trying to do everything that I can to hold myself together but I do not feel very strong right now.
I have spent most of the day crying, and I even had therapy today. Therapy helped me unload a lot and look at things for a logical standpoint. But that doesn’t mean that I will continue to look at things logically. Just an hour after my appointment I turned into a blubbering mess again. But it was situationally caused, and I really don’t want to get into that mess.
There is just so much that I wish I could get off my chest but I can’t. My brain hurts from all this overthinking. I can’t seem to get out of my own head. Even distractions are not working right now. I feel lost. Paralyzed. Worthless. It’s hard me so to see any good in myself right now. I am just really having a hard time. I need people to be patient with me, but I feel like that is too much to ask. 🤷♀️
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.