The Devil Is Real And Its Name Is Addiction
I have come face to face with the devil more times than I can count. I have lived life as an addict, and I have loved an addict, and I have been in love with addicts. Being pulled from both sides is so hard considering you have lived both loves. I honestly think that loving an addict is much harder than being an addict.
When you are active in addiction you are selfish, your feelings are numb, and you just honestly don’t care about anyone or anything except getting high. But loving a person who is an addict when you are clean is so hard. You watch the person you love become someone they are not. Everything you used to do to the people you love is done to you. The lies, the fights, the worrying where they are or what they are doing.
I often wonder how do people on these situations handle these things? Me, I completely shut down. My feelings are blank and I have learned to shut off all emotions except for anger. I am so angry that I allow this in my life time and time again. I have done everything in my life to separate myself from the devil. Even though I am clean it has found new ways into my life. Will I ever escape this?
For me its easy. I know that getting high will NEVER be an option for me. I have lost too much to go back to that life. And then I remember the times it was so hard for me to get clean. I struggled for years. Relapse after relapse. Until one day I decided I couldn’t do it anymore. I guess for me it’s hard to understand now why I lived that way and why people go back. Just why?
It’s tough when you’re put in a situation where you love someone who puts drugs before you. Do you give up on them? Do you support them? I know how bad it feels for someone to give up on you. I lost plenty of friends, I lost family. But when you go through something traumatic like losing the person your in love with and someone you were building a life with and someone you watched die twice. How do you move on from that?
The answer is simple but complicated; you don’t. You become a new person and learn new things about yourself that you didn’t even know. As much as I am angry, I have to learn that life is not always how it should be. People deserve chances on hard situations. But there comes a time when taking care of yourself is most important. Tragic events are hard to overcome but they are possible.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.