My Bipolar Rollercoaster
By: Kristine Colley
Living with Personality Disorders is one of the hardest mental disorders you can deal with on a day to day basis. Along with mood swings, it causes you to be mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Not knowing what to expect, or how to feel, it really takes a toll on any person dealing with something as such.
A majority of the mornings, I wake up ill or irritated. For no reason what so ever. I rather not be talked to and to have my space. These are the days I have to tell myself that It will be a good day. As if I am trying to convince myself. Very seldom do I have mornings that I wake up in a good mood. More than likely, I will not respond to you if you talk to me. Why am I like this I ask? Chemical imbalance is what doctors named it. 1.6 percent of the population has Bipolar Personality Disorder. I am one of them.
One minute I may be carefree Kristine. Laughing and dancing and catching everyone’s attention by my silliness and happiness. The bubbly, smiling, personality that is contagious. Something clicks, I quickly change from happiness to sadness in the blink of an eye. It’s like a rollercoaster, except its one you never get off. You know what to expect but never know the true outcome. When riding a rollercoaster, most may feel excitement or fearful. Some may only feel excitement. For myself, my adrenaline starts pumping as I get higher and higher to the top. As if I can’t hold on to that moment forever, my excitement turns into fear as the ride starts to descend. The speed going so fast and so quickly gives me the chills and a different kind of rush that isn’t so likable. Imagine feeling this way every day of your life. Mood drastically changing like a yoyo. A rollercoaster. Never consistent.
I often find myself, “Spaced out.” My daughter will ask me,” What are you looking at mom?” Before I can even reply, she knows the answer. “You were just thinking mom”, she simply states. As if I have told her that many times before. “You’re strange” she says. I laugh and tell her,”It’s okay, I still love you.” As if it doesn’t hurt my feelings but aware that she is getting older and knows when I am not myself. I’m the dreamer at that point. This is also known as dissociation. One of many traits connected with Personality
All I can do is read and research more about it to understand myself better. It was 2018 when I was diagnosed with BPD. For twenty-seven years, I never knew. I assume I was just the way I was because of my childhood trauma. It turns out, it follows me wherever I go. Every second, every minute, every hour and each day is an accomplishment for me. It will always follow me and will always be a part of my everyday life. I can only hope to use distractions and positivity to help deal with my disorder. I learned that it seems to help my disorder when I surround myself around positive people and a positive atmosphere. Meditation seems to help also. It really all depends on what the issue is at the moment. Not necessarily does it have to be a specific reason for my demeanor to change.