My Bipolar Rollercoaster

By: Kristine Colley

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“Not knowing what to expect, or how to feel, it really takes a toll on a person…”

-Kristine

Living with Personality Disorders is one of the hardest mental disorders you can deal with on a day to day basis. Along with mood swings, it causes you to be mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Not knowing what to expect, or how to feel, it really takes a toll on any person dealing with something as such.

A majority of the mornings, I wake up ill or irritated. For no reason what so ever. I rather not be talked to and to have my space. These are the days I have to tell myself that It will be a good day. As if I am trying to convince myself. Very seldom do I have mornings that I wake up in a good mood. More than likely, I will not respond to you if you talk to me. Why am I like this I ask? Chemical imbalance is what doctors named it. 1.6 percent of the population has Bipolar Personality Disorder. I am one of them.

One minute I may be carefree Kristine. Laughing and dancing and catching everyone’s attention by my silliness and happiness. The bubbly, smiling, personality that is contagious. Something clicks, I quickly change from happiness to sadness in the blink of an eye. It’s like a rollercoaster, except its one you never get off. You know what to expect but never know the true outcome. When riding a rollercoaster, most may feel excitement or fearful. Some may only feel excitement. For myself, my adrenaline starts pumping as I get higher and higher to the top. As if I can’t hold on to that moment forever, my excitement turns into fear as the ride starts to descend. The speed going so fast and so quickly gives me the chills and a different kind of rush that isn’t so likable. Imagine feeling this way every day of your life. Mood drastically changing like a yoyo. A rollercoaster. Never consistent.

I often find myself, “Spaced out.” My daughter will ask me,” What are you looking at mom?” Before I can even reply, she knows the answer. “You were just thinking mom”, she simply states. As if I have told her that many times before. “You’re strange” she says. I laugh and tell her,”It’s okay, I still love you.” As if it doesn’t hurt my feelings but aware that she is getting older and knows when I am not myself. I’m the dreamer at that point. This is also known as dissociation. One of many traits connected with Personality
Disorders.

All I can do is read and research more about it to understand myself better. It was 2018 when I was diagnosed with BPD. For twenty-seven years, I never knew. I assume I was just the way I was because of my childhood trauma. It turns out, it follows me wherever I go. Every second, every minute, every hour and each day is an accomplishment for me. It will always follow me and will always be a part of my everyday life. I can only hope to use distractions and positivity to help deal with my disorder. I learned that it seems to help my disorder when I surround myself around positive people and a positive atmosphere. Meditation seems to help also. It really all depends on what the issue is at the moment. Not necessarily does it have to be a specific reason for my demeanor to change.

This is my life living with Bipolar.

Kristine

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About the Author:

Kristine Colley was born in Stockton, California and raised in Rock Hill, SC. She currently resides in Rock Hill with her fiancé and two daughters. These are her true inspiration. Kristine began writing at an early age as a hobby and it quickly turned into a passion. She writes as an outlet of her emotions and her day to day life. Kristine lives with Bipolar Disorder and Depression and enjoys writing to help others dealing with those struggles.  Her goal is to become an advocate for others who are struggling with these battles. Her hope is that when reading her work it brings as much peace and tranquility to the readers as it did for her while writing.

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