Photo by Jesse Bowser on Unsplash

In A Fog This Morning

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I can’t seem to get my brain to function right this morning. I feel like I am trapped inside a thick fog and can’t navigate my way around. Perhaps this has something to do with only getting two hours of sleep. I even took all my nighttime meds and was still unable to stay dreamland. I think I finally knocked out around 6 a.m. and then woke back up around 8 a.m. Since I couldn’t sleep, I spent the night bouncing between writing and browsing social media. I should have really been working on my BG article that is due today, but instead, I spent my time writing a story that may have the potential to turn into a third book for me.

I am not quite sure where I am going with the piece that I am working on now. I don’t even know if it is any good. I have had a few people read what I have written so far and I got some pretty positive feedback. It kind of encourages me to keep going with this, like maybe there is some real potential here. I don’t know. I am not even sure if I can bring this story together yet. Only time will tell. I have just been really into writing again lately. It feels good to get creative. I have all these crazy ideas flowing through my head about all the different things I could write or ways that I could turn this new story into multiple different things.

I had to take a break from the new piece, however, since I started to get a bout of writer’s block. I know that sounds contradictory to what I just said, but I really do have all these ideas. I just can’t figure out how to exactly piece them all together or which direction to take. I feel like maybe it is time to consider working on an outline for this story so that I can see if I am just wasting my time or if I am on to something. I don’t necessarily like the fact that I had to take a break since every time I do, I end up having to reread everything that I already wrote to make sure it flows well. I actually started writing this a few days ago and I only have 11 pages complete in a word document. That is a little less than 7K words.

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I am so pleased to announce that my second book, which is mostly fictional, will begin the editing process on February 5th. Just a little over a month after the release of my first book, My Bipolar Mind: You’re not alone. I would like to also mention again that I am still looking for bloggers who are interested in reading and reviewing my book for me. It would be very helpful and greatly appreciated. If you are interested or have any questions, please leave me a comment below or email me at ContactMyBipolarMind@gmail.com.

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This brain fog feels incredibly draining. I don’t even want to function today but I have to. I have a 2 p.m. therapy appointment that I cannot miss again. I somehow managed to miss my last two appointments. I already feel guilty for doing that, so I am just going to have to force myself to get moving this afternoon. It is currently a little after 11:30 in the morning and the only thing I have managed to do so far, besides write, is brush my hair. I am also in a bit of pain this morning as well. Yesterday, I had a tooth surgically cut out that was on the upper left-hand side. The way the sutures are, it is on the side of my gums next to my cheek and the thread/wire from the stitches is poking the hell out of my cheek. I think that hurts more than the wound. At least I wasn’t awake during the procedure since they put me under full anesthesia.

When I woke up from the extraction, and still out of it from the anesthesia, I had asked the dental assistant if I could see my tooth because I really wanted to see how broken it was. She had said they already disposed of it. I know that is such an odd request but I know I can’t be the only one curious to see what their tooth looks like outside of their body, right?

On top of the fogginess, I am starting to feel a bit anxious and agitated. This is nothing new for me. It is just one of the most annoying and uncomfortable feelings though. It usually leads to the torturous skin crawling feeling for me. The best way that I can describe this sensation is by saying that it feels like there are bugs swarming around under your skin and no matter what you do, you can’t seem to get them out. It makes you want to claw at your eyes, face, and arms just to get the feeling to go away. You may also feel very uneasy and a bit edgy as well. It is just not a pleasant feeling at all. I wouldn’t even wish the creepy crawlies on my worst enemy.

It is something that I find a lot of people actually experience, especially those with a mental illness… like me. The exact sensations may vary from person to person but, in general, it is very relatable for many people. I guess another way it could be described is that you feel like you want to jump out of your own skin.

I have no real way to get rid of this building anxiety and agitation either. I am just with it. It is too early to take my anti-anxiety medication and I am almost out of CBD oil. I am currently using my main coping mechanism as most you already know – writing. I find some relief in that but not as much as I would like.

I have an hour before I have to start getting ready for my appointment. I hate the waiting part of anything. I don’t have enough time to really get into my writing or start a new project, but I have too much time to just sit here and do nothing. I drive myself insane worrying about time all the time. When I am going somewhere I need to be on time but then I worry about what I have time to do or what I don’t have enough time to do before going out places.

This one drives my best friend crazy, but when someone says there are coming over or stopping by I need to know what time or close to what time so that I can plan things out accordingly. Again, it goes back to knowing how much time I actually have to do what. It may seem kind of normal, I suppose. But it really isn’t because I obsess over it. I guess this is the kind of shit that I should be bringing up in therapy. 🤷‍♀️

Well, thanks for reading my ramblings and vents. I hope you all have a great day! Until Next Time…

Samantha