Photo by Jeremy McKnight on Unsplash
Craving The Good Days
By: Brittney Herz
She’s upstairs again. Screaming into the air and wishing so much hatred down on me because I wouldn’t let her watch television this morning. We did so good yesterday, I think to myself as her screams are punctuated by her throwing books across her room. Yesterday we went to the store and got through several errands together. We talked without raising our voices. We laughed and looked like a typical mother and daughter, just out and about, enjoying each other’s company. When you have a young child with a mood disorder looking like a typical mother and daughter is a hard mountain to climb some days. But yesterday we did it. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and our good day to end in flames. I knew I was pushing it with just one more stop, just one more thing for us to do together.
We managed and the effortlessness of it is almost addicting. I want that feeling all the time.
Today on the other hand… I knew before breakfast was even digested, it was not going to be like yesterday. Her brow was furrowed before she even opened her eyes and got out of bed. Nothing was right. I was not her going to be her friend today. There would be no errands with ease, not today.
When we have a good day, a really good day, it makes a bad day that much harder to stomach. I see what could be, what can be. I see the simplicity that daily life can have when my child is cooperative and undemanding. I feel how carefree and content we both are just being together and enjoying the little things. The harsh contrast of that feeling to one of disarray and discontentment is hard to stomach.
I crave the good days when we are not living in them and sometimes I don’t even realize we’re in the middle of a good day until it’s almost over.