2018 Is Coming To An End…

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2018 is coming to an end and most people are planning out their New Year’s resolutions. After the chaotic year that I have had filled with so much loss and heartbreak, I am going into 2019 without many expectations. I am not going to say that this is the year that I will finally lose all this extra fluff that I carry around. I am not going to say that this is the year I get married (again). I am not even going to say that this is the year I hope they find a cure for bipolar disorder.

The only thing that I want in 2019 is to be happy. Not just happiness for me, but for my loved ones and for all of you as well.

After my last post about my broken laptop, I am pleased and very grateful to announce that my boyfriend was able to fix my laptop for me. I feel like a complete jerk, however. My initial reaction to Mike fixing it was not what either of us anticipated. I was a bit mean because I thought the keyboard was busted and that it was just going to crash again if it ever needed to be restarted. After I realized everything worked and that it was really fixed this time I apologized and gave him the biggest hug and kiss. I will forever kick myself in the ass for coming off as ungrateful.

I have been putting a lot of things off these past few weeks. I have so much to get done but I haven’t really felt like being an adult lately. So, I did what I do best and tried to run away from my responsibilities. I kept pushing everything off and saying that I’ll do it later. Today, I decided to finally make some of the calls that I had to get done and I was even able to finish most of my article. I only have 9 entries left. That may not seem like much to you, but the fact that I was able to get anything done was a big improvement for me. I am hoping that I will finally have my article completed by tomorrow. It is long overdue.

To my surprise, the My Bipolar Mind Facebook group has grown to almost 3,000 members! I don’t even know how to keep up with it anymore. There are well over 100 new requests to join on a daily basis for the past week or two now. It’s so surreal when people mention that they love the group or that they find it helpful. Whether I can see it all the time or not, I have helped at least one person and that means the world to me.

I just don’t understand how I am able to make others feel like they aren’t alone when I often feel like I am alone. I have a lot of free time, and that means that I get to spend way too much time inside the prison of my own mind. I just started a new journal at the end of November and it is already over halfway filled up. I know that should be a good thing because it means that I am getting stuff out, but most of the stuff is very hurtful and hateful toward myself. I am my own worst critic.

I really feel like a burden to everyone right now since I am not really bringing in money and cannot contribute to anything. Finances have been stressing me out more than ever. I wish I could go into the new year being able to say that I am financially secure but that would be a major lie. I am having a hard time believing that things will ever fully get better for me.

I could really use a non-agitated manic episode right about now. Since I have started Tegretol, I have yet to have to a full-blown manic episode. I have been hypomanic, but that is about as far as it goes. I could really use the energy at this point so that I can finally check off everything on my to-do list.

Thanks for reading! Until next time…

Samantha ❤