A Touch Of Hypomania To Spice Things Up
From my last blog post just last night until sometime early this morning, I seem to have developed a touch of hypomania to add some variety to my life. I only got about an hour or so of broken sleep between 7:30 and 8:30 am. I was sure that after my ramblings last night I shouldn’t have much more to say, but I was wrong. From about 4 am until the time I went to sleep I just sat in bed and manically journaled until my hand started to cramp up. I had to force myself to stop writing in order to get the little bit of sleep that I did.
Most of my journal rant last night was mainly about whatever the heck popped into my head at the moment. Have you ever sat back and reread a little bit of what you wrote just to sit there and wonder, “What the hell is wrong with me?” Yeah, that was definitely me!
I hoped for the energy and creativity to just get through my article, but after a while I lost focus and grew bored with it. Then, it was on to the next thing to try to entertain myself. Out of 25 entries, I was only able to complete 7 plus my introduction.
I can feel the bipolar agitation starting to work its way under my skin. I am trying to prevent it from turning into a major agitated episode by taking my anti-anxiety medication and a few additional natural supplements to try to take the edge off of how I am starting to feel. It’s a very uncomfortable and unpleasant place to be right now. I decided that I needed to utilize one of my biggest coping skills immediately, which was to either blog or journal. I don’t think my hand could tolerate much more writing today, so here I am.
I can’t even stay at home today to try to get myself to stay calm and out of the way since I have couples therapy tonight and it is about an hour and a half away from where I live. I didn’t attend last week, so I have to make it there this time. All I really want to do is lock myself my bedroom and get lost in my own little world – Samantha Land.
My boyfriend is being so nice and loving, and I am worried that my agitation will get the best of me and I will snap at him for something that is beyond his control. Feeling like this makes me feel like a horrible person. I’m like a defective model or something. Why can’t I even be nice to the one person who I actually want to be around?
I’m stuck in this indecisive mode too. I want to be left alone yet have my boyfriend at home with me. I want someone to ask me how I am doing yet I don’t want to be bothered. I don’t think there is any pleasing me at this point. Again, that thought makes me feel horrible. Blogging and getting these thoughts and feelings out is very beneficial for me right now. So I apologize if I just start rambling or jumping around.
I get in episodes like this a few times a month. It doesn’t do much to help the anxiety and agitation that I already feel every day between 8 am and 1 pm. It’s like clockwork and this mounting anxiety that hits me on a daily basis causes me to overthink every little detail of my life, then it leads to excessive worries, and then after that, I believe, is when the agitation sets in. I am pretty sure it all stems from my anxiety. Now that I know what the root cause is, how do I go about fixing it or preventing these episodes from happening every day?
At first, I thought it was because I was waiting too long to take my morning medications, but even after making sure that my carbamazepine is being taken every 12 hours has done absolutely nothing to rectify these episodes. Usually, I rely a lot on my CBD oil but I am almost out so I am trying to conserve it for when my feelings get almost unbearable. I am starting to wonder if right now would be a good time to take some.
It probably also doesn’t help that I ran out of Kratom a few days ago, and while I still believe the benefits outweigh the risks of this particular supplement, it can cause horrible withdraw symptoms in some people. My boyfriend just bought me some more so I am contemplating making Kratom coffee to see if maybe that would bring me out of this funk.
I know that I should be focusing on how to avoid and prevent these daily episodes from even happening in the first place, but if I can take something (legal) right now that may help me temporarily feel better, why not give it a shot? I am a little wary of drinking coffee in my present state since it may only make the symptoms I am experiencing worse. However, I don’t have the patience to make Kratom caps so I have to find something to drink it in that will mask the taste a bit and that won’t upset my empty stomach. Coffee, it is!
I wish I knew what was behind my daytime anxiety and agitation. Nothing really changed, and nothing is really new. It just appeared one day and decided to keep on comin’ back. I’m dreading having to leave the safe little area in my bedroom to go to therapy. I don’t want to leave the house. I can’t explain why, I just… don’t. It almost feels like whatever is beyond these four walls will cause me more anxiety then what is behind them. It is not just some, “Oh, I don’t really feel like going outside today.” And more like, “I can’t leave. If I do something bad is going to happen and I know it!”
Thanks for reading my ramblings. Until next time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.