Late Night Thoughts: 1 Week Until Christmas
I finally started to write a little bit for BG today for the first time in 2-3 weeks. It felt good to finally sit and write something that had nothing to do with my feelings. I was also able to journal again the other night for the first time in a while. It’s about taking small steps sometimes. I don’t really know how I have been feeling. Not quite up, down, or normal, but somewhere in between.
My book had a bit of a minor set back, but it also made some advancements as well. The cover that I fell in love with has to be redone because my designer is no longer with the publishing company. I asked them if they could make it as similar as possible to what I had originally chosen. I am a bit nervous to see how the redesign will come out. I am just trying to go with the flow on this one. I also had to write a few things for the book and kept asking everyone I knew for their opinion. I keep trying to get everything perfect when I know that perfect doesn’t even exist.
So, it is that time of year again. Christmas is almost here. As of tomorrow, it will be one week away. I am nowhere near ready and it took me until today to realize that time is running out before the holiday hits and it is actually here.
I keep getting flashbacks to last year and how severely depressed I was. I cannot believe the hell I have gone through this past year. 2018 was definitely not kind to me. Hell, I am lucky I survived 2018. And to think, I almost ended it last Christmas. I was in pure agony. I have been depressed many times before, but I was never that bad.
I hope that 2019 will finally be the year that things start looking up. The one thing I do know that I have to look forward to in 2019 is that my book will be out sometime early on in the year, I believe. I was hoping it would be out by Christmas, but I didn’t realize – at first – how much goes into getting a book ready for publication. I finally feel like I am accomplishing something in my life. Even when I graduated from Lincoln Technical Institute – from their Medical Assistant degree program – I didn’t feel a sense of accomplishment even though I somehow managed to graduate with a GPA of 3.78. I still can’t believe this is happening for me. It’s all thanks to ETP.
I have always loved reading and writing, but I never imagined that something I loved doing could open so many doors for me. I never thought I would say this, but if it wasn’t for a mental break down I had while working at my last job in 2016, I would have never started blogging, and if it weren’t for blogging there would not be a My Bipolar Mind book in the works. For once, I can thank my mental health for leading me right where I needed to be. If it weren’t for that breakdown, none of this would have ever been possible. It’s kind of mind-blowing.
For a long time, I blamed myself for losing that job back in 2016. I felt incredibly guilty for the financial burden I had become to my boyfriend. I had the choice to go back, but I didn’t. I was losing my mind working for that company – literally. Maybe not going back was the best thing that could have happened to me. If I would have stayed I most likely would have felt an even bigger crash from all the stress sooner or later.
I was a Senior Direct Support Professional and I cared for individuals with special needs. What being “Senior” meant (at the time I worked there) was that I was running the entire group home myself with minimal support from my Service Director. At one point that company got rid of their Program Directors’ (probably to save money) which were basically the supervisors. Once they were gone, SDSP’s had to run the homes with what was their boss’ boss. They pretty much cut out the middleman. I did the best I could, but I felt like my SD was constantly disappointed in me. I had to learn how to take on much more responsibility. By the end, I would cry on the days I had to go to work.
I don’t have a very good track history with jobs. The longest job I ever had was for two years. I must have honestly worked for over 15 different companies – some of them I worked for more than once. I don’t know what it is either. From what I have learned from others, is that it tends to be a trait of being bipolar.
I apologize for not blogging as much and for not creating “meaningful” posts like I used to. It’s temporary. Every now and again I will get severe writer’s block and will go days to weeks without writing anything at all. During these times, I seem to wander around aimlessly and not quite sure what to do with myself. I hope after writing a bit today (and writing this ridiculously long post) it will spark some more creativity inside my mind. I just need enough to finish the article I am working on for the time being.
I tend to write the most in the afternoons and at night, but my afternoons seems to still be so anxiety fueled that I definitely cannot bring myself to write a single word during those times. My antianxiety med, Buspar, is still on back order in my area. There is not one single pharmacy near me that has any Buspar left in any strength. It works so well for me, but it will run out soon enough. I have been only using what I have left as needed when I am supposed to take it 3x a day. I don’t know what to do until the manufacturing company starts producing it again. Luckily, I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday so I can bring up the issue again then. I have spent years trying to find the right non-benzo antianxiety med, and now that I have found the perfect one for me… Poof! It’s gone! 🤷♀️
Thanks for reading! Until Next Time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.