Lately…

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My entire life I have been a people pleaser. I worry about everything I say or do. I worry about offending people. I worry about hurting others’ feelings while trampling over my own. Lately, I am sick of it. Lately, I have been saying how I feel or giving my honest opinion on situations when in the past I would tip-toe around everything out of fear or hurting others.

A prime example would be the fact that my best friend is going through it right now, and she asked if I thought she was a terrible person. I should have been like no, you are the best ever, everything you are doing is fine. But she asked my opinion, right? So I gave it to her. My boyfriend has said on numerous occasions lately, “This is not how you make friends and keep friends.”

To be honest, all my life I have listened to others opinions of me. I have let people tell me what they think of me while I later cried myself to sleep. Why? I am feeling a whole new kind of anger build up inside of me. I like to think that I am a kind person, but my buttons keep getting pressed. It’s nothing that happened to me today or yesterday. Lately, it’s just everything in general. 

Working on my 4th step had me down, but I am done feeling down because of how other’s treat or treated me. I am sure this is not the message my sponsor had for me when starting this step, but fuck it because I am here now. Feeling like this may just be a bipolar mood-related thing, but it may not be. Maybe it’s just finally feeling fed up. Maybe this mindset will cause me to lose friends or people in my life. Maybe I have already lost so much that I woke up one day and decided to say fuck it… I don’t care. 

Photo by Radu Florin on Unsplash