Stirring Up Emotions & Memories

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I have been crying off and on almost all day. I spent the day with my sponsor/friend. We are working on my 4th step in recovery. The 4th step is:

“Made A Searching And Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves”

Basically, I am writing out all the resentments that I have, how it affected me, and my part in it what happened. It sounds so innocent until you are actually working on it yourself. It’s one of those things that you won’t understand unless you have done it. I am 15 months sober from alcohol. I never thought I would get that far. I was even offered some alcohol a few days ago and I could have drunk some but I chose not too. The smell of it made me physically sick. I thought I was going to throw up.

While going through all this, all these memories got stirred up which brought on the emotions and flashbacks from all the resentments we were talking about. It was like I was right there back in those situations that gave me the resentments in the first place.

I can’t lie, I feel so emotionally fucked up. Shortly after my sponsor dropped me off, I had a crisis and she came back and hung out with me for a little to make sure that I was okay. We talked a lot. My sponsor’s name is Megan, and I love this woman. She is amazing and very helpful. She is a big part of my support network. 

Now, it is almost 1:30am and I have all these fucked up thoughts and feelings running through my head. Earlier today, I really wanted to self-harm, and the thoughts of doing so are coming back to me.

Why do bad memories and things that have happened to us that are negative have to hurt so damn much?

Megan and I talked about a lot… from my rapes to my grandmother’s death and so much more in between. I told her things that I have pushed deep down inside of me. Things that I thought I would never reveal. I told her something I never even told my best friend. 

Needless to say, it has been a very emotional day. I still have tears running down my cheeks. I think the 4th step triggered a depressive episode. I can’t wait until Thursday when I get to see my therapist again. I really need a professional at this point.  

Until Next Time,,,