Always Overthinking & Venting Session
I have been extremely busy with all of my appointments, overthinking things, working on my 4th step, and making numerous calls to my insurance company and pharmacy. On Monday, I had an appointment about my new Adenomyosis diagnosis. They want to go on birth control but in the past, I had too many side effects from it. I had gotten really moody, psychotic, my randomized crying spells were so much worse and they also happened multiple times a day, among other womanly issues that are just way too much information to share on here.
My second option is to load up on ibuprofen – which is really bad for your stomach. They want me to take 600mg every 6 hours, especially over the next few days while I am in a lot of pain. My doctor told me that this Adenomyosis can cause pain all month long, before and during Aunt Flow’s visits, or all of the above. However, this happens to explain a lot regarding all the abdominal pain and cramps that I get throughout a normal month. I have to go back the day after Christmas to go over all my options.
I had my PCP (Primary Care Physician) appointment today and I found out the real reason my insurance wouldn’t fill my Lyrica this month, it was because I needed to get drug tested. Okay, that’s fine and all, but they should have told me this sooner so that I could have gone in sooner to get it done. Now, I have to wait for the results to come back, which I am not worried about, but by the time it comes back and the doctor fills the paperwork out and the insurance does their end, it’s going to be a few days to weeks.
So, this is great right? Yet another issue filling a medication. The longest it ever took, which I am really hoping doesn’t happen again, was 3 months for my insurance to approve a medication. My doctor assured me it should be nowhere close to that this time.
I feel like it has been a long, exhausting day when I hardly did anything today but attended a doctor appointment, make phone calls, and went to Dunkin’ Donuts. I am still in tremendous amounts of pain, especially a few of my teeth that need dental work done. Both sides of my mouth hurt and I am in a great deal of pain during and after eating almost anything.
My anxiety and overthinking are the worst right now too. I just got off the phone with a great support for me and a good friend who moved away and I had a little cry. I feel like I am holding so much in and bottling it up.
I guess the thing that is bothering me the most is that thanks to PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and Adenomyosis I am infertile. Every since I was 15 I wanted a child. That will never happen because the choice to have children was taken away from me. Even if I didn’t want a baby, at least that would have been my choice. I don’t have a choice in this. It honestly breaks my heart that I don’t have a choice. Then, seeing all my friend have babies and the love they have for their child just feels like a slap in the face. I mean, why me?
I am so stressed out financially and I am still waiting to hear back from disability. I am barely writing anymore. I am definitely not meeting my quota these days. I have on motivation to write articles anymore. It makes me feel horrible. I used to crank out 6-7 articles a week. Now, it’s like one every two weeks. I feel like I am losing my direction in life. I really could use some encouragement right now. I feel pretty low today, even if I am not really showing it. All of these appointments are driving me crazy.
Seriously, though, why do all these things happen to me? It seems like every time I go to the doctor I end up with a new diagnosis. I was also just recently diagnosed with a dissociative disorder too. My therapist and I are working on ways to keep me grounded. I don’t want to go through this shit anymore.
Well, thanks for letting me vent. At least I was able to get some stuff off of my chest. Thanks for reading! Until next time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.