Still Feeling Off…
I took my nighttime medications around 8:30 p.m. and thought that I would be asleep by now. I have journaled, read part of two different books, and played games on my tablet. While I am starting to feel a bit drowsy, it is not enough to be able to fall asleep. I intend to take an emergency sleep aid soon as it is almost midnight.
I have now been on Tegretol for 5 days. Monday will mark day 6. It is insane how many interactions there are with this medications. There are over 600 drug and food interactions with this prescription so every little thing I take I look up on the interaction checker on Drugs.com. It is a very useful tool, so if you are on medications and are worried about interactions, I recommend checking this site out or calling your pharmacy.
Today – right after I got done telling a good friend that I felt like I was at my baseline – I started crying for absolutely no reason at all. I wasn’t feeling sad or down at the time so it was awfully strange. It was short and sweet. Who starts crying for no reason at all? This girl right here! Then, a few hour later, I started crying again. This time is was for a bit longer. Once the tears started flowing, they just did not want to stop. I kept trying to dry my eyes so it didn’t look like I was crying since I hate having to explain why I am crying when I don’t even know the reason why.
I do have a bunch of emotional crap that keeps wandering through my mind that I keep pushing back. However, those things weren’t on my mind the first time that I started to cry today. I feel like I would feel better if I got these things out of my head, in other ways besides journaling, but I just don’t know who I can talk to about them. I would vent about some of the things on here, but I don’t feel comfortable blogging about specifics just yet. I am just left feeling a bit hurt.
Some days I am doing okay, while other days I am not. I have learned that it is okay to not be okay all the time, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to hide when I am feeling a bit off as of lately. I can see that I am slowly starting to isolate from everyone and everything again. I don’t leave the house unless I have an appointment or have to run to the store. Most days, I will send my boyfriend to the store while I stay at home. I can’t even tell you what I do during the day most days.
I wish I could say that my days have been spent writing, but they really haven’t been. I am lucky to get in one article a week to BG when the minimum is supposed to be two a week. I have been journaling a lot more lately, but I believe a lot of that has to do with the fact that I am almost out of room in my current journal and I am excited to get started in a new one.
I have been having a ridiculous amount of anxiety in the morning. The Hempworx CBD oil does help with that in a big way, but it doesn’t get rid of it all the way. I know there is nothing that can get rid of it fully; deep breathing and other useful anxiety reduction techniques don’t seem to be doing the job either. This gut-wrenching anxiety puts me on edge during the mornings which can sometimes last all day. I will usually try to call someone to get my mind off of it a bit.
I am at a loss. I don’t know why I am getting such bad anxiety in the morning. The only thing that seems to work better than CBD oil is Kratom. Who knows how much longer I will be able to continue using Kratom since the judgemental and misguided – when it comes to Kratom at least – FDA (Food and Drug Administration) has been trying to put a ban on it.
I get updates about what’s going on from the American Kratom Association. According to the AKA, the FDA has been lying from the get-go to get this ban passed. I seriously hope this does not happen because the only downfall I have ever come across with Kratom is that it has the potential to cause withdrawal symptoms in some people upon stopping it.
Kratom has helped thousands of people get off of drugs and alcohol, so if the FDA does place a ban it, what do you think is going to happen to those people that it helped in that aspect? They are going to go back to using their drug of choice! Kratom has well over 10 different benefits varying from increased energy to elevating mood.
During the daytime hours, I am usually okay. It’s when night creeps in that my mind goes all over the place. I wonder if I am the only one this happens to? I can’t be the only one, right?
Things have been going great between my boyfriend and I. It almost seems a little too perfect. Thinking about our entire relationship, I have come to the realization that things wouldn’t be right if it were perfect 24/7. Every relationship has its ups and downs. Every couple fights. Some just fight differently than others.
I keep wondering if I am exactly where I am supposed to be in life at this very moment in time or if I took a wrong turn somewhere. I believe that everything happens for a reason regardless if we like the reason behind it or not. We love, we lose, we survive. It is all about surviving and making it through the day, the hour, the minute.
Well, this sleep aid has me ready for bed. Have a good night guys & gals! Thanks for reading! Until Next Time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.