[Trigger Warrning] Where Is The Real Me?

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I should be in bed sleeping since it is almost 5 in the morning. I slept for 2.5 hours according to my Samsung Gear Watch. I woke up filled with paralyzing anxiety. Then again, this isn’t surprising since I went to bed upset. I got in a little spat with someone before going to bed and I was, yet again, called a f***ing disappointment. Out of everything this person said to me, that is what hurt the most.

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. I can’t help but wonder where the real me is. Everyone around me seems to be doing so well in life and they seem happy. Meanwhile, I feel like I am missing out on the happiness train and I feel stuck. I feel like I am not awake and that I am in a dream that I can’t escape. I have everything that I need, but I feel like something is missing. Maybe it’s me that is missing.

Trigger Warning:

What I am about to discuss may be a trigger for some people who have dealt with sexual assault or self-harm. Please read with caution. If anything upsets you, please stop reading. 

I woke up from a PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) dream about one of the times I was sexually assaulted. I dreamt that I was being held down and I tried screaming as loud as I could as I was being assaulted but nothing was coming out. No one could hear me. No one could go get help. I wish I could say that I was only raped once, but. that would be a lie. Upon waking, I started journaling and I realized that I have never processed these assaults. They f***ing haunt me. As a rape survivor, you could never understand what the hell I am feeling until it happens to you. I don’t wish this upon anyone.

I can’t get this s**t out of my head right now. I feel traumatized and paralyzed. I feel like I have no control over anything. I am blogging to help fight off the urges I have right now that are screaming for me to self-harm. I want to self-harm so bad, but I don’t want to feel the shame that comes afterward. I just want to feel some kind of relief. If I was still a drinker, I could go for a bottle of vodka right now – not even one drink, because I want the whole bottle.

People say that it gets better in time, but for me, it hasn’t. I think it has actually gotten worse for me since I stopped drinking. PTSD really sucks. I feel so broken. Why do men think it’s okay to force women to have sex with them? If she says “No,” it means NO!!!! Leave it at that and walk away. You have two hands so utilize them! If you have gone through what I have been through please know that you are not alone. I am here for you. If you need someone to talk to you can email me at ContactMyBipolarMind@gmail.com. 

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I just needed to get all of that out. Thanks for reading!

Until Next Time.

Much Love,