[Trigger Warning] Where Is The Real Me?

[Trigger Warrning] Where Is The Real Me?


I should be in bed sleeping since it is almost 5 in the morning. I slept for 2.5 hours according to my Samsung Gear Watch. I woke up filled with paralyzing anxiety. Then again, this isn’t surprising since I went to bed upset. I got in a little spat with someone before going to bed and I was, yet again, called a f***ing disappointment. Out of everything this person said to me, that is what hurt the most.

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. I can’t help but wonder where the real me is. Everyone around me seems to be doing so well in life and they seem happy. Meanwhile, I feel like I am missing out on the happiness train and I feel stuck. I feel like I am not awake and that I am in a dream that I can’t escape. I have everything that I need, but I feel like something is missing. Maybe it’s me that is missing.

Trigger Warning:

What I am about to discuss may be a trigger for some people who have dealt with sexual assault or self-harm. Please read with caution. If anything upsets you, please stop reading. 

I woke up from a PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) dream about one of the times I was sexually assaulted. I dreamt that I was being held down and I tried screaming as loud as I could as I was being assaulted but nothing was coming out. No one could hear me. No one could go get help. I wish I could say that I was only raped once, but. that would be a lie. Upon waking, I started journaling and I realized that I have never processed these assaults. They f***ing haunt me. As a rape survivor, you could never understand what the hell I am feeling until it happens to you. I don’t wish this upon anyone.

I can’t get this s**t out of my head right now. I feel traumatized and paralyzed. I feel like I have no control over anything. I am blogging to help fight off the urges I have right now that are screaming for me to self-harm. I want to self-harm so bad, but I don’t want to feel the shame that comes afterward. I just want to feel some kind of relief. If I was still a drinker, I could go for a bottle of vodka right now โ€“ not even one drink, because I want the whole bottle.

People say that it gets better in time, but for me, it hasn’t. I think it has actually gotten worse for me since I stopped drinking. PTSD really sucks. I feel so broken. Why do men think it’s okay to force women to have sex with them? If she says “No,” it means NO!!!! Leave it at that and walk away. You have two hands so utilize them! If you have gone through what I have been through please know that you are not alone. I am here for you. If you need someone to talk to you can email me at ContactMyBipolarMind@gmail.com


I just needed to get all of that out. Thanks for reading!

Until Next Time.

Much Love,

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Categories: Our Personal Blog, Samantha Steiner, Samantha's Personal Blog

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

6 replies

  1. been there! unfortunately I know all too well how it feels! PTSD is a flipping nightmare. Im sorry for all you’ve gone through! I am here too always feel free to email me! shirley1980@eircom.net xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sam, even though I make it a policy to never read TW material, I made an exception because I care about you!

    I am so %*^(^(*&( deeply sorry you were raped multiple times. Horrendous doesn’t scratch the surface. I agree that it’s NOT always true that things like that get a little easier over time due to the enormous amount of PTSD that haunts you when awake and in nightmares too.

    Try to remember that people might seem happy on the outside (esp. in social media) but everyone is suffering and only showing certain parts to us. Love you and remain strong! Proud of you for going to all the appts. this week and I’m thankful you have a wonderful best friend & that you like her kids too!!!!! You are anything BUT a disappointment, and I hope you got or get an apology for that stupid remark.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Dyane,

      Thank you so much. I feel honored that you chose to read this post. I want you to know that I care about you too. Yes, PTSD hunts a person’s entire life. I agree people may pretend to be happy when they are actually dying on the inside.

      Love you too sweetie, I am trying to be strong but it gets hard. I think I am going to email you today. And yeah. it is wonderful that have my bestie!

      Than you for saying that I am not a disappointment. It means a lot to me. The person did apologize and they said that they were just mad at me.

      Take Care! Lots of love,

      Sam ๐Ÿคฉ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ–ค๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ–คโค๐Ÿ’–

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for the TW, sweetie – you’re so thoughtful and kind… I send you so much love this a.m. I will retweet this later on today.

    Liked by 1 person

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