Autumn Rain & My Thoughts
It’s a gloomy, rainy Tuesday in November. The sky is completely gray, and I kind of like it that way. I am not a sunshine-loving person – most of the time. I woke up around 6:30 a.m. and was hoping to be able to catch the sunrise in order to get some beautiful pictures – even though I am not fond of the sun – but with the clouds so gray there was no sunlight shining through. I have so much on my mind. There is a lot of stuff that I can’t even mention on here that has been racing through my mind since Sunday.
I thought my visit with my cousin went well, but I have yet to hear from her since Sunday. I even tried to message her on Facebook, but to avail. So, I don’t know if she is avoiding me or if it is all in my head. I was so nervous when Mike and I pulled up that it took a bit to get out of the car. I also start to have a panic attack because my anxiety got the best of me. Once I finally pulled myself out of the car and met my cousin, Ashley, I felt such a flooding sense of relief. I was worried for nothing because she’s pretty cool.
I also saw my mom and my brother, Jeremy, for the first time since September of 2017. It was so nice to see them again. I felt a little awkward, but I have no idea how they were feeling. They were cordial to Mike, which helped ease my mind a little more. They came to pick up my Aunt Laura’s ashes. I still can’t believe she’s gone. The Bottle Took Her away from us before I was able to get to know her again.
Laura was the black sheep of the family that everyone heartlessly cast away. Kind of like me. My mom started to talk to her again and they were getting close. I was able to speak to my aunt once in a while too. It was almost impracticable to see her since she lived in Texas and we lived in Pennsylvania. My mom was going to plan a trip to Texas to visit her, but she was gone before anything could be arranged. My deceased aunt is proof that, yes, in fact, alcohol can kill you. She didn’t deserve to die so young in life. She was only in her 40’s if I am recalling her age correctly. I would have loved the chance to get to know her again. I hadn’t seen her since I was a little girl. My Aunt Laura was my cousin Ashley’s mom, but I don’t think my cousin was too attached to her.
While I am writing this post, I am trying to multitask and get laundry done among other things. So, I am sorry if my thoughts are jumping around. But anyways, I just received a call to make an appointment to meet with some regarding my application for disability. Things like this have the tendency to make my anxiety skyrocket. I am so nervous right now. I know I shouldn’t be, but I am.
Next week is going to be busy for me. I am a couples therapy appointment on Tuesday, I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday, then therapy on Thursday, and finally my appointment for disability on Friday. This really sucks. I am in one of those moods where I don’t really want to leave the house unless I have to. It’s bad enough that I have to leave to walk to the laundry room around the corner today. Hopefully, by next week I will start to feel better.
I kind of feel like I am on edge a bit. My anxiety has been soaring through the roof, and all the techniques I know and talk about are out of reach for me. It’s like I know what to do, but I just can’t bring myself to do any of them. I am excited about one thing though; I am going to get to spend some time with the bestie, @jazminegonzalez87. She is coming over to hang out soon. I always look forward to spending some time with her. I love this woman to death as well as all of her kids who also happen to all be my Godkids. Anyway, I have some things to do before she gets here.
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Lots of Love,
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.