Kayl’s Story: One Mother’s Selfless Choice
“Do you know what it’s like to make the choice to give up your precious child because she was too fragile for this earth?”
My heart will never heal from your little life that touched mine in such a huge way.
My daughter’s death day is approaching. I thought her daddy would be here to help me along the way. He was the one person who was my strength when it came down to her. He watched me fall apart over her time and time again. Who do I fall apart to now? I’m just alone in it all by myself. Can you imagine my frustration? I feel like him & I were the only two people who actually remember her existence. The 14th. Now if I don’t say anything to anyone who would actually remember that day? No one. Me.
Do you know what its like to have to make the choice to give up your precious child because she was too fragile for this earth? Do you know what its like to sit in a clinic because you have to end a very much wanted pregnancy? Do you know what its like to have to do that ALONE? Because they won’t let her daddy back there with you. Sitting next to a 15-year-old girl willingly giving up her unwanted child, but you want yours and you try to fight back every single tear.
The nurse asked me “Why are you doing this so far along.?” I look at her and burst into tears and tell her of my daughter’s medical condition. She said, “That is the most selfless act you could ever do for her.” So I just cry some more.
Do you know what its like to sit and dialate for 8 hours knowing very much shes probably already gone? Just sitting there alone. In so much pain. Being walked back to a room where you’re about to be put to sleep and when you wake up your child is going to be gone forever.
I remember being put to sleep and it felt like I was out for days. And the second I woke up I just started hysterically crying. I never wanted to have to choose this. I knew very well I would be judged by almost everyone. But I knew I could never let my daughter suffer not for another second.
Is this selfless? I’d like to believe that. My heart hurts everyday longing for my baby girl. What would she have looked like? Would she have my green eyes? His nose? Your the sweetest gift I have ever received, Octavia.
There is a lot of misconception about abortion and there should be no room to judge someone’s decision whether their child was wanted or unwanted. You truly never know what someone is going through or their reason to choose a decision this complex.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.