Baseline

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I have been pretty much baseline the past few days. Not really elevated, but not really depressed either. I am just existing. I suppose baseline is considered to be stable. Although, with how chaotic my mind sometimes gets, I don’t necessarily feel like the most stable woman in the world. I’ll take what I can get. Yesterday was a really good and productive day for me. I got way more accomplished than anticipated. With how productive I was, it’s hard to believe that I was not manic at all. Unless I was but just couldn’t see it, which occasionally happens.

Yesterday, I got an entire article done within 5.5 hours. I picked four new topics and got one outline done, submitted, and approved. I started the intro for my next article. I wrote the blog post on, “25 Activities You Can Try For Some Genuine ‘Me Time.‘” I finally returned some emails. I did some minor grocery shopping with Mike, and I also got to spend like 10 minutes with the bestie. If that is not productivity, then I don’t know what is! I was so proud of myself for getting all of that accomplished. It’s a rarity for me, which is why I can’t help but wonder if maybe I was a bit hypomanic or manic yesterday.

Today has not been my most productive day, but after everything I did yesterday, I feel like I earned a break. Today I was a little up and down for a bit, but on average I still consider myself to be at my baseline. If I am going to cycle through my moods – per my usual – whatever is going to happen will happen after my brief period of stability. It’s just playing a waiting game to see what is going to happen with my mental health next.

I know I should enjoy feeling like this while I am okay, but it’s hard not to anticipate a drop in my mood since that always seems comes after mania, which just ended for me not too long ago.

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I have been slacking on my mood charting for the past few days as well. It is something that I really should be doing every night before going to bed. I highly recommend trying my “Monthly Bipolar Mood Tracker” to anyone who has been diagnosed with any form of Bipolar Disorder. Even if you are not bipolar, you can switch the chart up using Microsoft Excel to make it fit your needs. I have been using this chart on and off for years now. My therapist loves when I utilize it because it lets her know how I have been in between our bi-weekly sessions.

I am super excited you guys! The publication process for my book is moving along beautifully. There was a minor editing set back, but I was informed that the finalized MS (manuscript) will be done by tomorrow sometime! Then, it is off to the formatting portion. I believe after that is the cover design. I am not 100% sure, though. I have started to formulate a vision in my mind of how I want the cover to look, or at least a general idea of what I want on it. It is finally starting to sink in that I am going to be a published author. I have been in total disbelief, but when I saw the email regarding the finalized edits, I was blown away. I can’t believe everything is coming together this quick. I also thought it took months and months for the editing process. I would have never imagined, in my wildest dreams, that it only takes weeks.

I am pretty sure that I am going to pitch my old MS to the publisher and see what they think of it. Life Gone Wrong has always been my baby ever since I wrote it about 13 years ago. I just have never been able to do anything with it. Now, thanks to My Bipolar Mind, I have my foot in the door, and it is an amazing, lively door filled with so much opportunity. My dreams are coming true!

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It is a little after 10pm and in two hours, it will officially be Halloween! I called my bestie, @jazminegonzalez87, and invited her and her older kids over to my house tomorrow to celebrate Halloween and get our fill of spooky movies in! She said she is going to try, so I am hoping that she can actually come over. I usually sit around doing nothing on one of the Holidays that I love – especially since going alcohol-free. I feel my life has become so boring and mundane compared to how it used to be.

I don’t know if I was happier as an alcoholic or not anymore. I know I was able to do a lot more than I am now. Once the refreshing buzz kicked in, I no longer cared what people thought of me so I was able to dance around, sing karaoke, and just be silly and make an ass out of myself. I truly do miss those good times I had. I get it though, I had some really dark times while drinking too and no one could tolerate me then. I guess being sober is a gift to my loved ones more than it is to myself these days. I have no choice but to be sober because if I were to pick up a drink, I would be homeless. I’ve been down that road and didn’t like it too much. So I guess misery, with this aspect of my life, is where I stay.

It just makes me want to alienate myself from everyone else since I can’t act like a normal 32-year-old who has no children. I would love to unwind with a nice glass of wine after a stressful day. Anyway, I guess that is enough venting about a lack of drink in my hand. 

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In true Halloween Spirit or the Dia de Los Muertos, I would like to take a moment to honor everyone that is no longer among the living. To all the people I have loved, cared about, and lost: I love you all. You will forever be in my heart. I love and miss you Joann, Florence, Wade, and China. Rest In Peace Ladies and Gentleman. 

Thanks for reading everyone! Have a Happy & Safe Halloween!

Lots of Love,

Samantha