Hopelessly Bipolar

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My Manic Madness only lasted about three days, but that doesn’t necessarily make it any less painful. At first, I loved the manic episode I was in. I had the typical euphoric feelings commonly associated with bipolar mania. However, after the first day, it started to turn into pure agitation. I even contacted the Mental Health Clinic I go to during this episode, but they wouldn’t see me any earlier than the scheduled appointment I had on Thursday. 

My appointment yesterday was pointless and left me feeling more agitated than I was during my episode just a few days prior. I reached out for help, which is hard enough, just to be left feeling rejected. I have to see the PA (Physician’s Assistant) in between the appointments with my regular psychiatrist, and that is who I had the appointment with yesterday. I have butted heads with this woman for years now. At one point, I had even said that I didn’t want to see her anymore but I was told that she is the only one I can see in between appointments; leaving with me with no choice. 

I told the PA why I stopped the Lamictal, which she was fine with. I told her that the medication itself had seemed to be working well and asked if there was anything similar that I could try.

She told me that she doesn’t see the point in prescribing me anything new because nothing is going to work for me, anyway.

I was stunned almost like a deer caught in headlights for a moment. I feel like she just gave up on me at that point. Then she proceeded to lower some of the other meds that I am on. Reducing my meds has done nothing but made me feel worse in the past. Against my better judgment, I even asked if I could just get back on Lamictal again then. Of course, she said no to that, which I can understand.

I feel like I was just told that there was no hope left me. Why would a mental health practitioner say something like that? Aren’t they supposed to at least try to help you instead of saying that there is no point anymore? Her words have me feeling mentally fucked up right now – still. I just want to stop taking all of my meds at this point. I no longer see a point in taking them if there is no hope left. I guess I am just Hopelessly Bipolar. 

I feel like this is the end of the line for me. I will never be able to feel better than this. It is a very depressing thought, or maybe more like a realization. What’s the point of doing anything now? I spent a good part of the afternoon with the waterworks on full blast after my appointment. It seems like this PA will only listen to my mom. That’s the only time things ever seem to get done. It is so frustrating. I asked my mom if she could attend my appointment with me next month when I have to see Carolyn again. Thankfully, she said that she would.  

If doctor’s don’t give up on patients who have been diagnosed with diabetes, chronic pain, or heart disease, why would they choose to give up on someone with a mental illness?  It is ridiculous and it makes no sense to me! Does the fact that they can’t physically see what’s hurting on me, make me less of a person? Does the fact that it’s “inside my head” make it not worth trying to save me too? This is bull shit.

I’ve been bouncing in between sadness and anger since yesterday. I may not verbalize how frustrated I honestly am to those around me, but I sure as hell can feel it inside. Part of me feels like I am overreacting while the other part of me feels like my emotions are justified. What do you guys think?

Until Next Time,