Current Mood: Mania Madness
The past two days seem like a complete blur of manic chaos. I did not sleep last night and the night before I only slept for less than three hours. It is currently after midnight and I am still wide awake and full of energy. My mind has been racing faster than I ever thought possible. When I am trying to talk, my words come out all jumbled because my mouth cannot keep up with my mind. I can’t lie, I kind of like this up feeling today and I hardly had any agitation at all.
Mania has completely taken hold of me and is holding me hostage. I can’t help but wonder if this has anything to do with abruptly stopping the Lamictal. I did call my psychiatrists office today and spoke to the nurse. I explained that I stopped the medication because the “Lamictal Rash” had gotten worse. Then I asked him if it is possible for mania to be triggered by stopping the med. He didn’t necessarily answer me. Then again, I don’t know if I left him enough room to really say anything.
I explained that my mania was so bad that it triggered my impulsivity. I ended up registering to go to school at Full Sail University for their Creative Writing program. I knew this was probably not the best idea since I was manic. I knew I was doing this because I was manic. But no matter how hard I tried it was like I just could not stop myself from making these rash decisions. I did everything from tracking down my GED results to filling out the FAFSA form. I already owe on student loans so I am not quite sure that I will be able to get the funding I need to actually start my classes there.
It is a 29 Month-long program, with 29 classes, to get my BFA. I am still manic but every now and then I get some clarity within the chaos of my mind and I start to panic about the decision I just made. I wonder if I can actually do this. Part of me is super excited and thinks that maybe this will be the time I actually finish school and graduate. I have been to three different colleges and dropped out within the first semester each time. One benefit that I have going on for me right now is that I am not technically working. I only write for BabyGaga when I have the time, and it is not like I make a lot from writing for them anymore. What this means is that I will have more time to focus on my studies than I did when I was trying to go to school and work full time. I guess I am just one of those people who cannot handle doing both things at once.
Right after I signed up to go to Full Sail University I called my mom in a manic frenzy and explained what I just did. When I told her how much it is going to cost – approximately $54,000 – my mom told me to take time to think about it because I was not in the right mindset. I kept telling my mom that it was almost like someone else was in control of my body and actions and I couldn’t do anything but go along for the ride and watch this other person do and say all these crazy things. My mom kept telling me to cancel before I send in the FAFSA form, but it basically went in one ear and right out the other because I felt like my excitement overrode the logical part of my brain. Then for a while, there was no logical side. I wanted to go back to school right then and there and that was final.
Jumping back a bit: When I was on the phone with the nurse he was taking notes and asking questions. Afterward, he said that he would forward his note to the PA (Physician’s Assistant) and that she would get back to me as soon as she could. Since I never heard back today, I am sure that I will hear something by tomorrow sometime. I wonder if I am still going to be manic.
I am so worried that I maxed out my financial aid use and that I will not be able to afford the tuition for this school. I am hoping I hear something sooner rather than later. I was definitely off my rocker today. I am gradually noticing that I am slowing down, but I don’t know how long that is going to last. I don’t feel like going to sleep when I know that I really should.
Earlier today, I started messaging everyone that was worth talking to that was on Facebook because I wanted something to do that involved typing or writing. It was all I really thought about; writing. I kept thinking that I could try to write a whole new book or revamp the one I wrote when I was like 18 or 19 called Life Gone Wrong. I just wanted to do so much and knowing that I had limited timing only made the situation worse.
I have not had a full-blown manic episode in a while. I suppose I was due for one. I have had plenty of hypomanic episodes, just not the mania. Thinking about it now, I know what comes after mania for me – depression. It is inevitable. I wonder how long it is going to take for bipolar depression to set in after this? Ugh, I hate this vicious cycle. It never stops. It never goes away no matter how many psychiatric drugs they shovel down my throat. Being bipolar is a lifelong illness, and I have learned to accept that a long time ago. But that doesn’t mean that I have to love every aspect of it.
Some days I see my bipolar disorder as a gift because it has given me the ability to write and to be creative. I would never have created My Bipolar Mind if I had never been diagnosed. I wouldn’t be having a book in the works of being published allowing me to achieve my lifelong goal of becoming an author. Other days, usually during my darkest times, I see my bipolar disorder as a curse because not only if my mental and emotional anguish driving me insane, but how I am feeling affects my loved ones too.
That is what a lot of people do not think about; the fact that mental illness can destroy families. It can make our loved ones feel helpless as they watch us go through our highs and lows. Just like addiction affects not only the addicts but their loved ones as well, mental illness can be the same exact way.
I have so much that I want to do and say that I honestly feel like I could go on writing forever. It’s an obsession right now. I just wish this obsession included doing my BG articles because they are just floating around in cyberspace getting dusty while they wait patiently for me to begin writing them. I just can’t seem to push myself to get it done. Logically, during moments of clarity, I realize how important it is for me to get them done. But physically, it feels like I am being restrained and I just can’t seem to push myself to complete them. It’s like my mental state is only allowing me to do certain things without bringing on the manic agitation – something that I am going out of my way to avoid.
I hate to admit this, but my mind is a fucking mess right now. I really hope that my psych doctor’s office calls me back tomorrow because I asked for a sooner appointment (although, I do have an appointment on Thursday already… which is close enough I suppose) and I also asked to be put on a mood stabilizer. That may be easier said than done since they are running out of options for me since I have tried more psychiatric drugs than I can count anymore. Most of them have given me the supposedly “rare” side effects such as the Depakote liver damage, the Lamictal Rash, and the Lithium Toxicity. Honestly, the list could go on.
Well, I am off to try to focus on something else. Thanks for reading. Until Next time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.