Feeling The Crash
I have been up and going since yesterday afternoon with only about three hours of sleep last night. I was definitely on a bit of an upswing. I was so excited yesterday when I received my manuscript edits that it triggered a bit of hypomania. For me, just being overly excited can trigger it. I welcomed it with open arms until the agitation started to creep up to the surface. However, now, I can feel the crash starting to set in – already.
I was considerably productive from yesterday sometime up to about two hours ago. I read over all of the edits for my MS (manuscript) and approved the changes. Afterward, I reread it again to make sure that everything was right and sent it back this morning. I replied to the comments I had on my blog and social media, I returned emails, I applied to some supplemental writing jobs, and a few other odds and ends. At least I can say that I was able to get a lot accomplished before this unfavorable crash hit.
I officially stopped taking my Lamictal yesterday, and I am glad I did. Now I have to explain to my psychiatrist’s office tomorrow why I stopped it on my own. This should be fun! I am still feeling under the weather today. I feel like this chest cold or whatever is never going to go away! I am hoping that stopping the Lamictal helps speed up my recovery. I have such a massive headache from coughing all the time, and nothing seems to help at this point. Today marks day 7 of this pesky cold and there are no signs of it letting up either.
I have two overdue BG articles that I have yet to get to. I am slightly wishing that I would have put a little more focus into completing them last week – or even today while I had the energy. To be honest, I never knew my hypomania could emerge while I am not feeling well. It was nice, for the most part, while it lasted. I actually want my hypomanic episode to come back so I can get more accomplished. All I feel like doing right now is taking a nap. Even unwell, a nap at this time would be a bad idea (it is about 7:30 p.m.) because I would end up waking up between 1 – 3 a.m. and get stuck lying in bed and aimlessly looking at the ceiling for hours on end.
I cannot even begin to define how ecstatic I am to have gotten those edits back. It finally feels real to me. Like, this is really happening. I am going to be a published author! I have dreamed about being an author for longer than I can even remember. Basically, since I started writing stories in elementary school. And all of these opportunities stemmed from My Bipolar Mind. My blog. My baby. I feel so blessed to have this chance of a lifetime.
This nervous feeling has also been triggered in the pit of my stomach and it is filled with, “What If’s.” What if no one buys my book? What if no one likes it and it becomes the most hated book on earth? What will my friends, family, and people who know me in real life think? What will they say? What if I offended someone by getting this published? What will people think of me? It just goes on indefinitely. I want these intrusive thoughts to stop right in their tracks, but I can’t seem to figure out how to do that. My anxiety is just skyrocketing because of this.
Well, I suppose I should get back to work on my BG articles. Thanks for reading! Until Next Time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.