Guest Post by Dawn | To Go or Not To Go?
In a recent post, I brought up all the resentments I have been thinking about that surround my oncoming bipolar depression. I really dislike this time of year as the sunshine disappears, the weather becomes too cold and the upcoming holidays. I do like Thanksgiving because I don’t go home for that. My husband and I started a tradition many years ago where we invite anyone that doesn’t have a place to go to have Thanksgiving with us. Last year was the first year it was just the two of us.
It’s the dreaded Christmas that I dread. My family. I was once close to all of my sisters. We would all get together and put one this huge spread, So basically it was fun-filled with over-eating, opening presents with the kiddies, white elephant gift opening for us adults and lots of laughs. I used to love Christmas as much as the next person.
But, things have changed. It first started with being diagnosed with bipolar. They treated me like I had the plague or something. ( Kind of ironic now because they all suffer from panic disorders and depression) Then about five years ago or so, my husband hurt his back and had to have an emergency back surgery. He couldn’t travel and so we weren’t able to go. And I have to admit I was really upset about it. Christmas is/ was the only time I ever really see my sisters. They all live about 3-1/2 hours from me. I looked at almost as a family reunion. And then last year I couldn’t go because it was my Christmas to work. And they resented that and didn’t get why I couldn’t just switch with somebody. Well, at the time “I” was the only cook. There was nobody to switch with. Plus, they think I do this stuff on purpose not attending other family functions. There was a lot of other stuff too, but if I was able to go I would have.
So, let’s turn the table here. only one of my four sisters comes to visit me. I have had some driving issues, which keeps me from driving any distance. I won’t go into that. Instead of understanding this they resent it.
The last Christmas I attended in 2016, that’s when I noticed I was no longer apart of the loop. It broke my heart being ignored like I wasn’t even there. I thought maybe it was me being over sensitive but last year I attended my nephew’s graduation party ( I was so excited to go and see everybody) I rented a room at a hotel, expecting to spend time with them after the party, and again, no acknowledgment. I tried to jump in and participate. Nope, nothing. So yeah, you don’t have to tell me twice. I get the picture.
My grief is so deep. And it saddens me so much. I don’t know how to change this. So my resentments I guess lie under not being able to communicate with them, them continuing to stay in the problem when I’m a solution gal, not wanting to set myself up for more hurt.
So I guess I have answered my own question. I have non-blood family that I prefer to be with. They love me unconditionally as I do them, flaws and all.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.