Monday Blues… Not Feeling Well

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Last night when I went to bed, I just had this gut feeling that I was not going to be feeling well the following day. Sure enough, I was right. I woke up feeling sick as all hell. I am a massive drama queen when I get sick. Although, I am nowhere near as bad as when a man gets sick! Sorry, fellas, but it is so true. Most guys act like they are literally dying when they just get the common cold! I feel too awake to rest, but yet feeling slightly fatigued at the same time. I didn’t know you could really have one without the other.

Last night while I was journaling, I started to feel hopeless. Not really depressed, but just hopeless. Yet another thing I thought was always paired together. I also realized that I forgot to pay my cell phone bill and it’s due tomorrow. I am flat broke. I don’t know what I am going to do now. I’m all worried and panicked about it. My cell phone is honestly my lifeline. I cannot believe that I forgot to pay it! My boyfriend said when he gets home we will try to figure something out. But it doesn’t stop the hopeless feeling regarding that aspect. 

I feel like I am writing constantly and getting nowhere. Half the time, we cannot afford food so I am forced to eat one meal a day – if I’m lucky maybe two. And oh man am I sick of Ramen Noodles! I feel like it’s all my fault because I am always broke. I feel like I got sober and stopped drinking to always be broke. I don’t know what happened. I was doing so well financially just to fall flat on my face. Again, furthering the feelings of hopelessness. 

It’s been awhile since these feelings surfaced. I am not quite sure what to do with them. I seriously hope that these feelings are not the start of a low. I am hoping that it is just because I am not feeling well and suffering from the “Monday Blues.” 

Yesterday was a good day. I was able to get an entire article completed and submitted in one day. It was the first time I was able to do that in a while, and It felt pretty damn good. I wish I could be that productive everyday! By the end of the night, I was exhausted! I feel asleep around 11:30-12ish at night and slept straight through until about 8am. I ended up waking up from a nightmare/flashback and was just not feeling well. It took me a moment to realize it was just a dream.

It sucked because it was basically a flashback to how my “stepdad” used to get when he would flip out. It was just not a pleasant dream. I feel like I woke up re-traumatized. Even though I was fully aware that it was a dream/memory and that it couldn’t hurt me, I still felt really anxious and uneasy. I still remember the whole thing that it just happened yesterday. PTSD can be draining both mentally and physically.

Well, I have some outlines to prepare for the week. Since I finished all my articles that were due and I have nothing that needs to be turned in until Wednesday now, I am going to TRY to create a decent blog post about something useful!

Much Love,

Samantha🎃