Late Night Thoughts: Sick & Hopeless 🤦♀️
I honestly feel terrible right now – physically and mentally. I am so congested and it even hurts to breathe. It feels like it was not too long ago I had the summer flu that went around my area. I am absolutely miserable which always tends to bring my mood down quite a bit. But who doesn’t feel miserable when they are sick, right? I just want to take my meds, lie down, and go to sleep for the night. However, I am eagerly waiting for the edits for my book to come through my email since tonight is supposed to be the night.
I can’t lie, I will feel disappointed if I don’t get them tonight as I have been waiting for several weeks. But I would understand. My goal is to try to stay up until midnight before taking my night time meds unless it comes through sooner.
I spent most of the day feeling really agitated, hopeless, and kind of low. I looked back on my old post about the warning signs that bipolar depression is underway and I have quite a few of them. It’s not the best feeling in the world when you know that you may be heading toward an episode. I have been doing so well for quite some time, it’s only natural that the cycle continues on for me like it has done so many times before. I can only pray that it lasts a short period of time if depression is heading my way. I just know my mood well enough to tell when change is in the air.
Next month, it will be six years since my grandmother passed away, and even after all this time I still think about her every day. We were so close. I was closer to her than my own mother at times. When she passed away at the age of 62, I wanted to die right along with her. I think part of me actually did die because I have been unsuccessful in feeling complete ever since. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed. I will always be her Sammy, and she will always be my Grammy.
She passed away just a few days after Thanksgiving of 2012. Thanksgiving day, she left me a voicemail. I figured that I would just call her back another day since I was busy. Before I could call her back I had gotten the news from my aunt that she passed away in her sleep. It still haunts me that I never got to say goodbye or return that phone call.
Never put off saying, “I love you” to someone because you may never get the chance to say it ever again.
I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for not calling her back that Thanksgiving Day. I feel like the lowest piece of shit because of it, still. Does this feeling ever go away?
Not saying goodbye to Gram is why I was so devastated when my mom and I had stopped talking. I kept thinking that she was going to die before we spoke again. I cried so much and went through the worst depression of my life. Last Christmas I tried to take my own life. Even though we now speak on a daily basis again, parts of me still feel like her and my siblings are better off without me. I feel like I am a burden to them, or a liability. Only my one brother talks to me and I may as well be dead to my sister and other brother. 😭
Yeah, maybe I am a bit depressed tonight.
Where did I go so wrong with everything? When did I lose myself? I felt so great just a day ago. One day is all it took for me to feel like this! This shit sucks. I feel so paralyzed right now. I have been on Lamictal almost three weeks. Will this be yet another failed medication to add to the growing list of drugs that have failed me in the past?
Here’s to hoping that I will wake up feeling okay in the morning!
Until Next Time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.