Late Night Thoughts: Sick & Hopeless πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ

Late Night Thoughts: Sick & Hopeless πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ


I honestly feel terrible right now – physically and mentally. I am so congested and it even hurts to breathe. It feels like it was not too long ago I had the summer flu that went around my area. I am absolutely miserable which always tends to bring my mood down quite a bit. But who doesn’t feel miserable when they are sick, right? I just want to take my meds, lie down, and go to sleep for the night. However, I am eagerly waiting for the edits for my book to come through my email since tonight is supposed to be the night.

I can’t lie, I will feel disappointed if I don’t get them tonight as I have been waiting for several weeks. But I would understand. My goal is to try to stay up until midnight before taking my night time meds unless it comes through sooner.Β 

I spent most of the day feeling really agitated, hopeless, and kind of low. I looked back on my old post about the warning signs that bipolar depression is underway and I have quite a few of them. It’s not the best feeling in the world when you know that you may be heading toward an episode. I have been doing so well for quite some time, it’s only natural that the cycle continues on for me like it has done so many times before. I can only pray that it lasts a short period of time if depression is heading my way. I just know my mood well enough to tell when change is in the air.Β 

Me & Grammy at my dad’s wedding in 2001.

Next month, it will be six years since my grandmother passed away, and even after all this time I still think about her every day. We were so close. I was closer to her than my own mother at times. When she passed away at the age of 62, I wanted to die right along with her. I think part of me actually did die because I have been unsuccessful in feeling complete ever since. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed. I will always be her Sammy, and she will always be my Grammy.Β 

She passed away just a few days after Thanksgiving of 2012. Thanksgiving day, she left me a voicemail. I figured that I would just call her back another day since I was busy. Before I could call her back I had gotten the news from my aunt that she passed away in her sleep. It still haunts me that I never got to say goodbye or return that phone call.Β 

Never put off saying, “I love you” to someone because you may never get the chance to say it ever again.Β 

I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for not calling her back that Thanksgiving Day. I feel like the lowest piece of shit because of it, still. Does this feeling ever go away?

Not saying goodbye to Gram is why I was so devastated when my mom and I had stopped talking. I kept thinking that she was going to die before we spoke again. I cried so much and went through the worst depression of my life. Last Christmas I tried to take my own life. Even though we now speak on a daily basis again, parts of me still feel like her and my siblings are better off without me. I feel like I am a burden to them, or a liability. Only my one brother talks to me and I may as well be dead to my sister and other brother. 😭

Yeah, maybe I am a bit depressed tonight.

Where did I go so wrong with everything? When did I lose myself? I felt so great just a day ago. One day is all it took for me to feel like this! This shit sucks. I feel so paralyzed right now. I have been on Lamictal almost three weeks. Will this be yet another failed medication to add to the growing list of drugs that have failed me in the past?Β 

Here’s to hoping that I will wake up feeling okay in the morning!

Until Next Time…

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Categories: Our Personal Blog, Samantha Steiner, Samantha's Personal Blog

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11 replies

  1. Hugs! Hope you feel better! Also, you might not have had the chance to say goodbye, but she knows your heart was with her.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my God – I’m reading this post Monday at 5:20 p.m. and I hope to high heaven you’re feeling TONS better than you did when you wrote this. I related to sooo much of this post.

    I wasn’t able to be with my dad when he died and I became suicidal when I found out he was gone. I missed his memorial because I was in the psych unit instead.

    ANYWAY, I believe we see our loved ones again and you’ll be with your Grammy. She totally understands, wherever she is – I really think that’s true, as cheesy as it may sound to some people. Sure, you feel like shit about what happened with not being able to say goodbye and make that phone call, but your feelings about that will soften over time. Dad died 9 years ago and while it will always suck that he’s gone, each year it gets a little easier for the most part, well, in a way.

    Your sister and brother who don’t talk to you have major problems and they are missing out!! (Hope you don’t mind my saying that!) But never say never – I stopped talking with my brother and his family for years and I decided to talk to them again & they were open to it. It’s still early days and it’s not all wine & roses with them, but you never know what will happen with your family. Try to keep an open mind…….as impossible as that may sound. And don’t dwell on them now while you’re going through such an awful time. Distract yourself!

    On a much, MUCH, much brighter note, I hope you got your edits by now – that’s SO exciting and I think having that focus will help your mood!!!!

    Don’t forget that you rock!

    XOXOXOXOXOo
    Dyanne

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, your comments always bring a smile to my face no matter how I am feeling. I was feeling better, mentally at least, until recently tonight. The company I write for, BabyGaga, has yet to pay me and my cell phone is going to get shut off tonight.

      We are supposed to get paid on the 1st and 16th, and it is a little after 9 pm my time. This isn’t looking too hopeful right now. If they don’t pay me by 10, I highly doubt I am seeing it tonight. I am boycotting writing for them until further notice. And it just makes me feel even worse because I hate that fact that and, as of right now, I lost my only distraction. No edits yet. I honestly love writing for Babygaga, but not if they are going to screw me on my pay and create even more financial stress for me. (Sorry for the rant!)

      I know that I will get to be with my Grammy again one day. Regardless of where she is, I know she is still with me. Although, oddly enough, I do believe in reincarnation a bit after reading a few books on it.

      I tried reaching out to my brothers and sister for their birthdays and just got completely ignored. I understand that I cannot control what they do or say — or don’t do or say — but it still stings a bit since the wound still feels fresh, Some days I am okay with it, but when I am feeling low it just hurts like hell. πŸ’”

      Tonight’s just turning out to be pretty crappy. 😭

      I hope you are having a better night than me.

      Love,

      Samantha πŸ’–πŸ’™πŸ’–
      P.s. I replied back to your email and did some minor research for you!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hiya Super-cool Samantha!

        Thanks so much for your sweet reply! I’m gonna crash in 5 minutes because your friend here ate most of a big batch of brownies I made this afternoon, in my typical fashion. It’s crazy I’m taking the nutrition course!!! I must figure out how to eat my sweets in moderation over the long-term!

        That’s ridiculous not to mention unethical that BG didn’t honor their payment agreement today – I’ve been through similar situations and it’s just awful It’s messed up on so many levels. I hope they somehow make up for it. I also hope the edits come through for you ASAP.

        I look forward to touching base with you tomorrow & finding out about your minor research – thanks for doing that. πŸ‘Say meow to Buddy and hang in there – it ***will*** get better for you!!!!

        β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈπŸŽƒπŸŽƒπŸŽƒπŸŽƒπŸŽƒπŸŽƒ
        Dyane

        Liked by 1 person

        • Hey Lovey,

          I won’t bombard you with a long comment since you are calling it a night – something I should try to do too – and I hope that you are able to sleep well! I understand the whole sweets thing. I find that certain medications can actually increase the sweet cravings! I have faith in you! I know you will be able to self-learn moderation! Although, once in a while, indulging can be a sweet treat. Haha. I just hate the feeling it can leave you with afterward!

          Bark a goodnight to Lucy for me!

          Sweet Dreams,

          Samantha πŸ’žπŸ’–πŸ’ž

          Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope you’re feeling better tomorrow!

    Liked by 1 person

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