Could I Really Die From This?
A Big Thank You!
I would like to thank Danielle, Kayl, Gary, and the mom with a bipolar daughter. I just for permission to say that it was my mom who wrote that post about being a parent to a bipolar child/adult for World Mental Health Day and that bipolar child is me. You guys all did an amazing job for this special day. You guys rock! I would also like to thank Dyane for allowing me to help celebrate the one-year “birthday” of her amazing book Birth of a New Brain. I hope some of you took Dyane up on her lovely offer of a free PDF copy of her book! To those of you that did, you definitely will not regret it.
The Main Subject: Could I Really Die From This?
If you have been following my blog for a while, some time ago I was having issues with my heart rate skyrocketing above 200. I even had to have a Holter monitor put on for 48-hours. They had detected that my heart rate dropped to 35 during strenuous physical activity, and then it had gone up to 189 or so during rest. This is normal. My cardiologist, at the time, said that it was a fluke and that it would never happen again. He was wrong. It has happened three times since, and two of those times happen within this past week.
The average heart rate is between 80-100 bpm (beats per minute). So going above 200 bpm is never a good thing. It can send you into sudden cardiac arrest. It is the scariest thing in the world when this happens! I will start to get very lightheaded and dizzy. I feel like I am about to pass out when this happens. I even get “tunnel” hearing as well.
The past two times, I had gotten this loud ringing in my ear, and it gets so loud that it feels like there is someone screaming inside my head. It is just not a good feeling at all.
When this happens I try to lay down immediately and then I pull out all the tools I have learned for relaxation throughout the years. Altogether, this has happened 5 times now. Usually, the relaxation techniques bring my heart rate down to at least 110. But what happens when/if I cannot bring my heart rate back down? It’s a scary thing to think about. According to the one cardiologist that I saw when I was in the ER the first time this happened, the human body can last at that heart rate of 200 bpm when it’s an infrequent event.
I am so scared and petrified that this is going to be the death of me — literally. This is serious. I had an emergency PCP (family doctor) appointment yesterday, but because it didn’t happen while I was there they cannot do anything but set me up for a Cardiac Event Monitor, which I have to play the waiting with cardiology while I wait to hear back from them. My doctor said that he would love to prescribe me something that will bring my heart rate down, but he can’t because my heart rate sometimes goes to the other extreme and will drop below 45. If I were to take it, it could make my heart rate drop to the 30’s or less.
I’m honestly scared I am going to die young if they cannot figure out what is wrong with me.
I have been told by several people that maybe I should create a will just in case. I bawled my eyes out early just thinking about it. I know I get suicidal, but damn that would be going out on my own terms. This would not be my own terms because I want to live right now. I want to grow old. In my life, so many things have been taken from me and I don’t want to have my life taken from me as well. I want to live dammit.
Maybe I am just over reacting. But, I know this is serious.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.