Feeling Like A Bad Person Today
Today had been a very long, hypomanic fueled day. I was very productive and got a lot accomplished. I was able to get half an article done for BG — I know half an article doesn’t sound like much, but I haven’t been writing a lot for them. So, half an article is amazing for me right now — I was also able to find 5 people to on the Lehigh Valley Mental Health Awareness Walk with me in May. I talked to countless people today because, well, being extra talkative can be a symptom of hypomania. I was pretty upbeat and kept myself busy with randomized tasks most of the day. But like always, a minor situation arose that spun me head first into an agitated bipolar state.
The other day, I had a friend over who is in recovery and she was having a hard time. I am not going to drop names so we will call her Abby. Well, Abby knew that I use CBD oil and she said she had done some research and felt it was okay for her to try since her anxiety was horrific.
I kept asking her if she was sure she wanted to try it for her anxiety since it can be a very controversial thing. Personally, I know from experience and my own research that CBD does not get you high. It is not a recreational drug by any means. So, Abby decided to try using it. She was amazed and said it really helped her and she thanked me. I thought that was going to be the end of it. I understand how bad anxiety and panic attacks can get, so I figured I would help out a friend. Let me just say, that I doubt I will be helping anyone else in this manner unless they have used CBD products before. Even then, it may be iffy unless I know them well.
Today, I get a messaged that Abby relapsed due to using my CBD products. At first, I thought it was because she used alcohol and/or drugs after she got home, but nope. It was because she decided that CBD is a drug in itself.
I was taken by surprise and felt like she was pointing the finger at me. I kept reassuring her that she did not relapse because CBD is not a drug. It doesn’t even have THC in it. It is not psychoactive. You will not get high off of it. I know I said that already, but now I feel the need to reiterate that fact. She was completely fine, and 5 days later she changed her mind and decided that it is not fine.
I was genuinely hurt by this because I would never interfere with someone else’s recovery. That is just not how I do things. I promote and encourage recovery. I know I may have overreacted a bit, but how would you feel if someone told you that they relapsed because of something you gave them. Knowing damn well that they claimed to have done research and was fine with it. Yes, I did get mad. I vented to a few people, and most of them reassured me that I did nothing wrong. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I get that fully. But seriously, don’t come at me and make me feel bad because I tried to help you when you were freaking out. I know that even writing a post about it is pushing the envelope, but I am really bothered by this, you guys.
Abby claimed she was okay with it, she said she wanted to try it. I wouldn’t be using it if I thought it was no good for people in recovery. There are so many benefits to using CBD products, and I understand that not everyone will agree with me and I understand that. But don’t tell me you want to try something, and that you’re okay with it if your not. She made the conscious decision to try it for her anxiety. How can you be okay with it and then change your mind like that? Now, I feel like I am being judged or like I did something wrong. That is why I kept asking her if she was sure.
I honestly feel like a bad person now for trying to help someone else out.
I think I am done with her. At first, I didn’t want something so… I don’t know… I didn’t want something like this to ruin our friendship. But honestly, It’s not worth the drama. That’s all that this brought was unnecessary drama. Plus, who knows what she told others about her “relapse” and what it was about and who gave her this illicit CBD oil. I feel like I gave her a nice, fat blunt and told her to spark that shit up or something. Then, there would be cause for concern. Like if I would have handed some weed over to her then there would be a reason to feel blamed. I really don’t like feeling like this.
Well, thanks for letting me vent! Until Next Time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.