Feeling Like A Bad Person Today

Feeling Like A Bad Person Today


Today had been a very long, hypomanic fueled day. I was very productive and got a lot accomplished. I was able to get half an article done for BG — I know half an article doesn’t sound like much, but I haven’t been writing a lot for them. So, half an article is amazing for me right now — I was also able to find 5 people to on the Lehigh Valley Mental Health Awareness Walk with me in May. I talked to countless people today because, well, being extra talkative can be a symptom of hypomania. I was pretty upbeat and kept myself busy with randomized tasks most of the day. But like always, a minor situation arose that spun me head first into an agitated bipolar state.

The other day, I had a friend over who is in recovery and she was having a hard time. I am not going to drop names so we will call her Abby. Well, Abby knew that I use CBD oil and she said she had done some research and felt it was okay for her to try since her anxiety was horrific.

I kept asking her if she was sure she wanted to try it for her anxiety since it can be a very controversial thing. Personally, I know from experience and my own research that CBD does not get you high. It is not a recreational drug by any means. So, Abby decided to try using it. She was amazed and said it really helped her and she thanked me. I thought that was going to be the end of it. I understand how bad anxiety and panic attacks can get, so I figured I would help out a friend. Let me just say, that I doubt I will be helping anyone else in this manner unless they have used CBD products before. Even then, it may be iffy unless I know them well.

Today, I get a messaged that Abby relapsed due to using my CBD products. At first, I thought it was because she used alcohol and/or drugs after she got home, but nope. It was because she decided that CBD is a drug in itself. 

I was taken by surprise and felt like she was pointing the finger at me. I kept reassuring her that she did not relapse because CBD is not a drug. It doesn’t even have THC in it. It is not psychoactive. You will not get high off of it. I know I said that already, but now I feel the need to reiterate that fact. She was completely fine, and 5 days later she changed her mind and decided that it is not fine.

I was genuinely hurt by this because I would never interfere with someone else’s recovery. That is just not how I do things. I promote and encourage recovery. I know I may have overreacted a bit, but how would you feel if someone told you that they relapsed because of something you gave them. Knowing damn well that they claimed to have done research and was fine with it. Yes, I did get mad. I vented to a few people, and most of them reassured me that I did nothing wrong. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I get that fully. But seriously, don’t come at me and make me feel bad because I tried to help you when you were freaking out. I know that even writing a post about it is pushing the envelope, but I am really bothered by this, you guys. 

Abby claimed she was okay with it, she said she wanted to try it. I wouldn’t be using it if I thought it was no good for people in recovery. There are so many benefits to using CBD products, and I understand that not everyone will agree with me and I understand that. But don’t tell me you want to try something, and that you’re okay with it if your not. She made the conscious decision to try it for her anxiety. How can you be okay with it and then change your mind like that? Now, I feel like I am being judged or like I did something wrong. That is why I kept asking her if she was sure. 

I honestly feel like a bad person now for trying to help someone else out. 

I think I am done with her. At first, I didn’t want something so… I don’t know… I didn’t want something like this to ruin our friendship. But honestly, It’s not worth the drama. That’s all that this brought was unnecessary drama. Plus, who knows what she told others about her “relapse” and what it was about and who gave her this illicit CBD oil. I feel like I gave her a nice, fat blunt and told her to spark that shit up or something. Then, there would be cause for concern. Like if I would have handed some weed over to her then there would be a reason to feel blamed. I really don’t like feeling like this.

Well, thanks for letting me vent! Until Next Time…

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Categories: Our Personal Blog, Samantha Steiner, Samantha's Personal Blog

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7 replies

  1. Hey sweetness, I think you figured out her “rationale” to the letter – I don’t think she’s a safe person for you to have contact with. I agree with you.

    What she did is a huge headtrip to place on anyone else – it’s totally unethical, to say the least.
    So please be firm with it if your counselor encourages you two work things out & “just say no!” 😜

    I’m on Facebook but I don’t have friends there because last year a “friend” unfriended me (and in my defense, I was nothing but kind to her. She was, frankly, very sick and toxic for me to interact with.) —because of what she did, I got really hurt and I burned out.

    Then I sent a personal Facebook message to over 200 of my “friends” explaining I was no longer having friends on Facebook and only 5 replied!

    But I can do the message thing and group thing. 💖

    Most importantly, please hang in there today and remember you did nothing wrong at all.
    You don’t need a friend like that!
    You are a good person…make this GREAT person!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hey love,

      Sorry about what your “friend” had done to you. Some people really are not good for us. Like with your case, and mine. I understand where you are coming from, and I am glad that is one less toxic person in your life.

      If you would like, you can always look me up on messenger or the My Bipolar Mind facebook group. Some people say it’s really helpful and that they love it. It’s a small cozy little group. I believe there are 112 people in it, but only about 10 people are really active. I tried to create an environment that would make people feel comfortable enough to post whatever they like — as long as they are respectful to one another. 😍

      I hope you are doing well today! I have been pretty good, minus the fact that I had to have a biopsy taken today w/o a local anesthetic due to a shortage of lidocaine. 😒

      I followed you back on Youtube and started watching one of your videos, but then I had to leave for my appointment. Lucy is sooooo adorable. Omg! I just wanted to snuggle her!

      Talk to you later!

      Lots of Love,

      Samantha

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hey my lovely friend! I hope your biopsy went okay – I’ve had them before and they’re not fun. Especially without ldocaine. You’re in my thoughts that the biopsy turns out okay!

        I just emailed you a long email. I hope it’s not too ovewhelming

        Also, regarding my suggestion to reblog my “Ulla” post—it turned out I re-read it again and I know it might be too much of a downer for 10/10/18 and basically not be the right fit. (It’s more appropriate for Suicide Awareness Day) and I give you my absolute blessing to kindly pass on it.

        I got excited and thought that post could work. I get impulsive like that sometimes but I think you’ll forgive me. 😜But I still would love for you to offer my book if that feels right!!

        Thanks for watching my YouTube videos – God, I forget what I said in them and I know I was goofy….and I know I said um a million times nad made clicking sounds like I was a dolphin!

        Lucy says (barks) “good night, Sam!” and she added “I hope you get some sleep!”
        💖💖💖

        DyDy

        p.s. I will seriously consider joining your FB group – 10-12 active members is perfect. Many more than that would be overwhelming. Good for you for creating a safe place for support!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Hi Dy,

          I just sent you a long email back as well. I was thinking about sharing that post anyway since it is still surrounding Mental Health. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

          I am going to be checking out the rest of your videos on YouTube soon! Hehe.

          Thank you for the warm wishes on my Biopsy. I am seriously hoping that it turns out okay. I won’t know for a week. (I gave more details in the email!) I am going to be a ball of nerves until then! I am going to create and schedule the post for Birth of a New Brain for 8am – EST. I am psyched for this post!!!

          From what I saw of your video, you did fabulous! I didn’t even notice the word um at all! I would love to see some more 😀

          And that is great about the group. Let me know what you decide! I hope you like it if you decide to give it a go!

          If I knew how to designs site better I would create a small group right here on my blog!

          You don’t have to worry about impulsiveness with me. Lol. I know very well how that goes, like when I decided to try to write for three different sites, do my blog, and go back to school at the same time. Haha. Let’s just say that didn’t turn out well!

          Talk to you soon my dear! Have a great night! I hope you are able to get some much needed sleep! 💕❤💕

          P.s. It’s midnight! Happy Bookaversary! Haha I made up my own word 😀 Buddy purred hi!!

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my god, you did not do ANYTHING wrong!!!!!!
    You know I use CBD too and my dog does as well, and there’s no THC in it. There’s no way it could have that affect on her.

    You are a GREAT person. Frankly, she sounds like she is not a healthy person for you to be around right bow – I don’t mean to sound like bitch you’re right – you don’t need drama!!!!

    Please be fierely protective of yourself when it comes to someone blaming you so incredibly unfairly, inaccurately and inappropriately!!!!!!!! That’s a toxic person.

    Much love to you, Sam!
    p.s. Ask for support (maybe on your Facebook page?) so this crapy feeling melts away. You don’t deserve it!
    XXOXOXOXOXOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    • I appreciate your kind words. You honestly made me feel so much better. I believe in CBD oil 100%. I understand it is her choice to feel that way. But I honestly feel like I was being blamed. And that is not okay.

      My sponsor was thinking of sitting us down and having us talk, but I just don’t feel like that would be a good idea. You definitely are not sounding like a bitch! The drama is unnecessary. I just can’t get over the fact that she had done her own research and came to her own conclusion that it’s okay just to call it a “relapse” five days later.

      I was wondering if maybe she used it because she thought it would get her high and felt guilty afterward because no logical thinking would switch from okay to not okay without reason.

      Are you n Facebook?

      Xoxoxo,

      Samantha

      Liked by 1 person

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