Sleepless In Allentown
It is almost 2am and I am wide awake. I guess that’s what I get for taking a nap earlier. My thoughts are racing with all this different stuff that I want to do. If it were up to me, I would revamp my old manuscript titled, Life Gone Wrong. I would continue my poetry book, journal, write a BG article, come up with a brilliant blog post! I just want to do it all, and I want to do it now.
Normal people are asleep right now. But as for me… I’m up like, “Yeah, let’s get productive!” I guess this may be the start of a hypomanic/manic episode. In all honesty, I don’t mind it as long as the agitation that is sometimes associated with mania doesn’t show up. I’d choose mania over a depressive episode any day! (As long as it doesn’t turn out like this: My Nightmarish Manic Episode)
I’m feeling slightly anxious about tomorrow. Maybe even a little more than slightly. My sponsor is picking me up around 3pm and then we are going to a meeting, then doing step work (I am on my 4th Step), and then we are having a game night with some people in recovery. I’m okay with the meeting and the step work, it’s just the game night that has me a bit on the anxious side. Believe it or not, but I am a very shy person who has severe social anxiety. At least I will be with my sponsor, so that’s a plus.
I have never been to the woman’s house before that we are going to for the game night. Which is really triggering my anxiety because it is someplace new and unfamiliar to me. I’m going to have to take my Buspar, some CBD oil, and maybe even some Kratom before I get there just to be able to walk through the front door. Earlier my mind was racing with ways to get out of this agreement. I just have to go and get it over with and pray that I have a good time without making an ass of myself in the process. I don’t even know what I could possibly do that would embarrass myself, but I’m sure there has to be something.
Social anxiety can be crippling sometimes. It can keep me from leaving the house at times as well. It can even get to the point where I just completely start to isolate from everyone and everything. Add my social anxiety on top of my general anxiety and it’s like this massive ball of anxiety that resides within me. It’s chained to me and follows me wherever I go. I can never leave home without it…
You would think that taking 300mg of Trazodone at night would have me knocked out right about now, but it’s almost as if I didn’t take it at all. I’m not even slightly drowsy right now and I took it over two hours ago. I should probably try to lay in bed and count sheep or some shit, but I’m too awake for that.
I’m feeling pretty content at this very moment in time with my headphones in, listening to music. and blogging out my thoughts. It’s calming to me and blogging and/or journaling helps me sort out my thoughts when they are racing.
I still can’t believe that I am going to have a book published. Part of me is still like, “Is this a scam?” But everything looks legit, even with the research I have done. I haven’t found one bad thing about this publisher. I feel so blessed and honored that they came across My Bipolar Mind. I feel like I keep bothering my editor though.
I have this terrible perception that I am always bothering people or burdening them. Even when I need help with something I hate reaching out to others. But I love to help people when they need it. My therapist was telling me that a majority of the time, I don’t take help easily, even when I need it the most. I try to do things by myself sometimes, and more often than not, in the end, I end up hurting myself more than anything.
I spent about an hour today creating a vlog post, just to keep deleting it and redoing it. I just wasn’t satisfied with the end product. I kept messing up when I was talking, stuttering and stammering. I can write so much better than I talk. Lol. Needless to say, the video never got posted and I am going to try again tomorrow if I have time.
Well, I spent plenty of time procrastinating. I supposed I should try to lay down.
Have a good night! Until Next Time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.