Insomnia Strikes Again
It is about 12:30 am and I am slowly getting drowsy – most likely thanks to the 300mg of Trazodone that I take at night – but my mind is running a thousand miles a minute. I figured I would take this opportunity to blog a bit. I have been doing pretty good lately. I have been more up and then down – Thank God!
I had a psych appointment the other day and I had a bit of a med change. I was taken off of thiothixene and put on Lamictal. I am on day 5 (in the morning it’ll be day 6) of the new med and I must say, so far so good! I know it’s technically too early to see any benefits from the Lamictal yet, but it’s crazy because I feel better than I did a week ago. Maybe it’s like a placebo effect or something, or perhaps things have just been going well. I am on 25mg to start, and then on the 11th of October, I go up to 50mg. Then, in another two weeks, I see the PA (physicians assistant) to see if the Lamictal needs to be increased. My guess is that it will have to go up since 50 is a low dose.
With Lamictal, they have to start you on a low dose and slowly increase it to help prevent side effects – mainly the rash that is commonly associated with this med. I know I was on this med years ago – when I was like 17 – but I know I wasn’t on it long. I can’t fully remember why I stopped taking it, but I think it had something to with that rash. I suppose it doesn’t matter since that was like 15 years ago, and over time our bodies change. Maybe I will get lucky this time around and this will finally be the medication that saves me from myself. Ha!
I haven’t been writing as much as I would like still, but I hope that will change now that I have been in a better mood for the most part. I was actually semi-productive today and got like ½ an article completed, I sent in some more posts to the book editor, and I was able to get my medical insurance back! Yay! No more scrounging for money and stressing out about how the hell I am going to afford my prescriptions.
I have been trying to get in touch with my case worker from the County Assistance Office (CAO) for the past two weeks, and then today she finally answered on the first try. I explained everything that was going on and she verified some info and turned it back on today. Plus, they are going to cover the costs of my medical bills that I acquired since it was originally canceled at the end of August. That was a major weight taken off of my shoulders and I finally feel like I am able to breathe easy for the moment. Sometimes things have a way of working themselves out.
I guess my insurance came back on at a good time because my heart rate skyrocketed again two night ago and it scared the shit out of me. I had just taken my night times and then maybe 30 minutes later I began to feel my heart pounding rapidly against my chest. I checked my heart rate and it was 135, but it kept climbing higher and higher. I started to get extremely lightheaded and I felt like I was going to black out or pass out. I started to get this ringing in my ears that grew louder and louder until it sounded like someone was screaming inside my head. I started to freak out which most likely only made the situation worse since it caused my HR to elevate even more.
I ended up laying down in bed (it was sometime after midnight) and began using every tool that I had in my toolbox for relaxation. Once again, I started to feel like I was about to die. I told Mike how I was feeling and he kept telling me to try to calm down and that it was going to be okay. I reminded myself of what the doctor said at the ER a few months ago – the last time this happened. He told me that the human heart can beat at 200 bpm (beats per minute) for a few days before it’ll actually give out. When the doctor originally told me that, it freaked me out and made me feel worse. This time, his words helped me relax.
I probably should have checked my blood pressure (which is typically always low) because I knew that ringing in the ears can be a sign of a spike in blood pressure. I don’t remember much from my days working as a medical assistant, but I remembered that. At the same time as the ringing, everything from the chest up felt like it was on fire. Eventually, I brought my HR down to 100 and decided that it was a better time than ever to go to sleep.
I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me. My heart doctor had told me it was a “fluke” and most likely would never happen again. He was wrong. Now, that I am thinking about it maybe I should call my cardiologist tomorrow. I missed my follow up because I had no insurance, now I can finally go back. I even had a Holter monitor on for 48 hours before and they still couldn’t figure out why this happens to me. I mean, what happens when (and not if) this happens again and I am unable to bring my heart rate down? I finally want to be alive, and now I am petrified that I am going to die because of this.
Before these “episodes” occur, my anxiety isn’t even high. They just seem to happen out of nowhere. I have overcome so many obstacles and challenges in my 32 years of life, and damnit I want to be here to see whatever tomorrow brings.
I thought of something today while I was messaging my one uncle who I rarely talk to… Why do I keep chasing after people who obviously want nothing to do with me? I try to reach out to aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, people who I am no longer close to all the time in hopes that they will want to talk to me or see me. But in all actuality, it’s pointless. They obviously don’t care enough to want to be in my life, so why do I keep dragging this shit out? I need to say my goodbyes to them because if they weren’t there for me while I was at my lowest, why should they be there when I am at my best? A phone works both ways, they can pick that shit up and call me once in a while too.
Over the past year, I have learned that family has nothing to do with your bloodline. People come in and out of your life all the time. Not everyone who crosses your path is meant to stay. It may hurt for a long time, but time does go on as well as life.
I realize this is a pretty long post, so if you made it this far stick around for another paragraph or two…
I feel so honored, this amazing woman and author contacted me and asked me to review her book and I am super excited! I started reading her book and so far I absolutely love it. I cannot wait to share it with you guys! I am not going to give much away, yet, except to say that it revolves around postpartum bipolar disorder – something I personally never even knew existed.
I also would like to add that as of 9/27/18 I am 13 months sober!
Well, since it’s almost 2 am, I should probably wind down for the night. I’m going to read more of this book and then hopefully, finally, be able to get some Zzz’s.
Good night guys and gals! Until next time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.