The Last Few Weeks: The Good & The Bad
I apologize, once again, for being MIA, but for some reason, I have not been able to write anything – no blog posts, no articles, not one damn thing – and it is driving me absolutely insane! I am a writer and a blogger so writing is what I do. I would also like to add that I am also going to be a published author in the near future!
I am so excited because that publisher that contacted me about turning my blog posts into a compilation book want to take me on for sure. This Friday is when we will be doing the first round of edits to my manuscript. (My compilation of posts that I put together in an MS Word doc. There are currently 50 posts but some may be taken out while some others may be added. Who knows, right?) This is such an amazing opportunity for me. It makes me feel like what I have to say actually matters to someone. It makes me feel truly blessed in some ways.
Since I was a little girl I had two things that I wanted to grow up to be. The first one was a doctor, and then as I got a tiny bit older I started to realize how much money it would cost and how much extra schooling there would be and basically changed my mind. I then decided that working in the healthcare field in any way would be good enough. And I have achieved that when I went to school to become a registered medical assistant (RMA) and graduation and ended up landing a great job in a busy family practice.
However, I ruined the best job of my life by failing a drug test after a major mental break down. This was back in 2012 and I have yet to get another RMA or even a regular MA job since. I honestly don’t plan on going back to the field even though I loved it in some ways.
The second thing I wanted to grow up to be was a writer… and I am living that dream. I always imagined becoming a published author and if everything works out, that dream will come true as well!
Thinking back to how I always feel like nothing good ever happens to me, I can now see that I have had some amazing things happen throughout my life. I mean, yeah, there may be more bad than good, at least that is what it feels like at times, but at least some good has happened as well. That is a major plus. I just have to learn how to stop messing up all my amazing opportunities.
I seem to have the need to sabotage everything when things are going well. I don’t consciously realize that I do it, but somehow, I do it. Maybe I am just addicted to the drama and hurt that I tend to find myself in. I don’t look for drama consciously, but it always seems to be looking for me.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Wade’s death. His kids and my best friend, Jaz, miss him like crazy. I can’t lie, I miss him too. I grew up hanging out with him and Jaz. It really makes me think about the old days and how everything used to be. I wanted so bad to be an adult out on my own. Now that I am, I just want to be a kid again. Or be assigned a new life. Whatever works out better.
I think I was just starting to come out of a depressive episode the last time that I posted anything. Or, at least, I felt like the depression wasn’t as bad. Recently, I have been manic one minute and then down or agitated the next. I feel like I am stable sometimes. I will be happy and grateful to be alive. I will believe that everything I have been through happened to help me grow or some other form of positivity.
But then other times, I will feel really depressed, manic, or mixed and then my thoughts and feelings will shift with whatever episode I am rapidly thrown into. I am starting to believe that I have way more emotions compared to a normal person or shall I say the average person.
Lately, nights have been starting to become challenging again because that seems to be the time when my mind starts to race or I will get these crazy and obsessive thoughts and worries surrounded by mounds of anxiety. I started to take generic Unisom again at night to help knock me out in hopes that I will sleep throughout the entire night. However, that rarely actually happens. I seem to always wake up around 3 or 4 am and then find that I cannot go back to sleep until a few hours later.
I have also been waking up with a lovely combination of stomach acid and vomit creeping up my throat and causing me pain. I don’t think that is normal. I am guessing that it has something to do with my GERD or gastroparesis. Either way, I am continuously forgetting to bring it up to my doctor everytime I see him. Lucky for me, I found Malox and it works wonders!
My mom and I have slowly been starting to talk again. We are even Facebook friends again. It’s not to have some sort of relationship with her again, but some of my siblings don’t seem to want to even acknowledge my existence yet. Only my one brother on my mom’s side will talk to me which leaves me estranged from one brother and one sister still.
Things still feel awkward for me when I talk to her. (I have yet to see her in about a year now) I don’t think things will be the way they were before. In some instances, that is a good thing. But for the most part, I am having trouble seeing anything as a good thing when it comes to our relationship. I just have to live with the fact that things will never be the same ever again. And that kind of hurts still.
Well, I have to decide between writing an article or just calling it a night…
Until Next Time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.