I’m Okay Right Now…
I’m okay right now. But who’s to say how I will feel by later on tonight, or even within the next hour. But I am okay right now, and that is all that matters to me. I have been preoccupied and so consumed with being in this bipolar low that I haven’t really had a moment where I have felt okay. I am trying to enjoy it while I can. I feel like I have a moment of clarity inside of my chaotic mind for some reason. Or maybe I am just having a bit of mania breakthrough the dark clouds which are a welcomed change to feeling so low all the time.
I may be losing my medical assistance because I was supposed to apply for disability and fill out a form, and I guess I ran out of time and missed their deadline. The only thing is, they never told me that I needed to do this. I explained that to them. How am I supposed to meet a requirement if I was never even informed of it in the first place? But they didn’t care and are not going to extend the deadline for this requirement, and now I have to file an appeal against their decision and try to get them to keep my medical insurance active.
Just thinking about it stresses me out. I have been trying to obtain a letter of medical necessity stating that I need to be on my medications and in treatment from my psych doctor’s office all week but got almost no assistance or help until late Friday. By that time, their office was closing. Lucky for me, I see my therapist tomorrow so I can go over everything with her and maybe see if there is anything that can be done to keep my insurance.
If all they want me to do is apply for disability and fill out a form I can do that at any time. All they had to do was give me one stupid extension! Now, I have to go about everything the hard way and get even more paperwork together and add some extra stress to my life at the same time.
I honestly do not know what I am going to do if I lose my medical insurance. It’s not even just psych that I need it for, either. I have all these physical issues that I need to be on meds for as well. They are about to take someone who has a handful or more of mental health disorders who also happens to supper from fibromyalgia and nerve pain off of all their medications.
It’s never a good thing when I am unmedicated because I always seem to find myself in the behavioral health ward for a while. I haven’t been in the psych unit for about two years or more now, and I don’t want to go back to that either. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if your meds and therapy are really helping you until you look back at yourself and your life pre-medication or before you were put on a specific med. If you see an improvement from how things used to be, your doing something right. And as much as I cycle, I am still doing so much better today than I was one year ago.
On 8/27/18 (next Monday) it will be one whole year since I have had a drop of alcohol. I did something that I never thought would be possible. I am more open about how I am feeling now then I was before. I try not to stuff everything on top of each other until I explode anymore because I know what the outcome will be. Plus, there are so many other subtle ways that let me know I have been doing better than I previously was.
Before I started this set of meds, I would lock myself in the house for days on end just manically write during certain episodes. I would let things build up until I wanted to die every single day or until I would hurt myself or someone else. I was a binge drinker who would lose control of myself every time I was drunk and lonely; which really is not a good combination. All in all, I was just in a bad way.
Losing my insurance would definitely shake things up for me. Let me just say that going off my medications was not on my bucket list…
I know that I may seem calm or relaxed in my writing, but that clarity I had at the beginning of this post is fading fast and I can feel my anxiety starting to come back with all of its chaotic thoughts and worries. Mental illness can be like that sometimes. Fine one minute, and then not the next. It’s like a light switch sometimes. That’s why I was trying to savor the peace while it lasted.
I need to make another checklist of everything that I need to do and get done because lately, I have been really feeling overwhelmed and I have been slacking on everything. It was hard enough to force myself to shower. which is something some people will never understand. Sometimes just showering in a day is a big accomplishment for people who are feeling low or overly anxious.
I know this is projecting, but I think I am going to be feeling really lonely this week. My bestie is on a much-needed vacation with her family, my sponsor got a lot going on, everyone I know has got a life which leaves me with just Mike. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I am not sure where I rate in with his Xbox. 😆
At least I was finally able to turn an article in yesterday, which helped diminish some worry. But now I have two more to go that I am already backed up on plus I still have outlines to do.
I guess it’s time to make my checklist and get some organization happening while I am wide awake at 11:15 pm. I am going to be up all night. I see it already. 🤦
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.