| Lost In Thought |

Let me start by saying that I apologize in advance for typos as I am blogging from my cell phone… At 2:45 am…

Journaling helps me sort through a lot in my head. But when that’s not enough, I sometimes tend to turn to blogging. Creating a post for my personal blog section sometimes helps get things out in a similar way of journaling but, to me, it sometimes feels like it does so much more. So here has what’s been bogging me down internally:

I feel shitty for my post regarding getting rid of this blog. I was such a jerk who was having a bad day. I really do love what I do and that I am sometimes able to help people. I appreciate every single one of my followers. I was catastophicising everything and was thinking about the worst case scenario like I always do. I am so sorry if I offended anyone. I feel like such a jerk like I also do lately.

Dealing with serious bipolar depression is horrible. I feel so alone and defeated by life lately. I may have some moments where I think everything could possibly get better, and then my reality sets in and the good feelings I had seem to fade away rather quickly.

I even gave in and self-injured for the first time in weeks. I felt the shame that comes after cutting pretty hard. Like, “Why did I do this again?” I must admit though; it did make me feel so much better for a period of time. I just couldn’t shake the voice that was inside my head telling me to go deeper. So I had to stop myself before I really did some damage. I even wrote a morbid poem titled Self-Harm earlier today — or more so yesterday since it’s now after midnight.

What’s crazy is that I had all the warning signs that bipolar depression was underway, and I did nothing to stop or prevent it. Although, what could I have done, right? I probably could have talked to my therapist about it but I didn’t. This depression hit shortly after I last saw her. Now, I have more than a week before I see her again.

They way I am seeing things right now is that nothing will ever get better because I am bipolar and depression will follow me around wherever I go. It is always buried inside of me waiting to rear its ugly head again… it will never stop. It will never go away. I can never out run it or run away from it. I will have my moments where I get manic and everything is great; everything is perfect. But sooner or later the depression will strike once again.

Today, I also begun to miss my mom and my siblings a lot too. My one sister and brother want nothing to do with me. I started talking to my mom and my one brother again on occasions but it is not the same. I fear and feel like it will never be okay again. I want to go back to how our relationships were in a way. Back when we were all close. Now I am the outcast. I am treated like the outcast.

I see how much better their lives are without me and my bipolar disorder screwing everything up and I can’t stop myself from wondering if everyone else would be better without me too.

Mike would get over me easily if I were gone — I think. Jazmine would be a total wreck but she has her kids and will move on because she has to for them. My sponsor would probably be sad for a bit, but she is such a positive person that I know she would be okay too. My dad… well he would probably be sad but he has this great life hundreds of miles away from me. He has a new family to look after. My mom and my siblings from her… I am already dead to most of them. I don’t think they would even care.

I am doing nothing but taking up space right now and just barely surviving. All of these things are wrecking havoc inside my chaotic mind.

Until Next Time…

Samantha 💕