| Lost In Thought |
Let me start by saying that I apologize in advance for typos as I am blogging from my cell phone… At 2:45 am…
Journaling helps me sort through a lot in my head. But when that’s not enough, I sometimes tend to turn to blogging. Creating a post for my personal blog section sometimes helps get things out in a similar way of journaling but, to me, it sometimes feels like it does so much more. So here has what’s been bogging me down internally:
I feel shitty for my post regarding getting rid of this blog. I was such a jerk who was having a bad day. I really do love what I do and that I am sometimes able to help people. I appreciate every single one of my followers. I was catastophicising everything and was thinking about the worst case scenario like I always do. I am so sorry if I offended anyone. I feel like such a jerk like I also do lately.
Dealing with serious bipolar depression is horrible. I feel so alone and defeated by life lately. I may have some moments where I think everything could possibly get better, and then my reality sets in and the good feelings I had seem to fade away rather quickly.
I even gave in and self-injured for the first time in weeks. I felt the shame that comes after cutting pretty hard. Like, “Why did I do this again?” I must admit though; it did make me feel so much better for a period of time. I just couldn’t shake the voice that was inside my head telling me to go deeper. So I had to stop myself before I really did some damage. I even wrote a morbid poem titled Self-Harm earlier today — or more so yesterday since it’s now after midnight.
What’s crazy is that I had all the warning signs that bipolar depression was underway, and I did nothing to stop or prevent it. Although, what could I have done, right? I probably could have talked to my therapist about it but I didn’t. This depression hit shortly after I last saw her. Now, I have more than a week before I see her again.
They way I am seeing things right now is that nothing will ever get better because I am bipolar and depression will follow me around wherever I go. It is always buried inside of me waiting to rear its ugly head again… it will never stop. It will never go away. I can never out run it or run away from it. I will have my moments where I get manic and everything is great; everything is perfect. But sooner or later the depression will strike once again.
Today, I also begun to miss my mom and my siblings a lot too. My one sister and brother want nothing to do with me. I started talking to my mom and my one brother again on occasions but it is not the same. I fear and feel like it will never be okay again. I want to go back to how our relationships were in a way. Back when we were all close. Now I am the outcast. I am treated like the outcast.
I see how much better their lives are without me and my bipolar disorder screwing everything up and I can’t stop myself from wondering if everyone else would be better without me too.
Mike would get over me easily if I were gone — I think. Jazmine would be a total wreck but she has her kids and will move on because she has to for them. My sponsor would probably be sad for a bit, but she is such a positive person that I know she would be okay too. My dad… well he would probably be sad but he has this great life hundreds of miles away from me. He has a new family to look after. My mom and my siblings from her… I am already dead to most of them. I don’t think they would even care.
I am doing nothing but taking up space right now and just barely surviving. All of these things are wrecking havoc inside my chaotic mind.
Until Next Time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.