Behind This Smile…

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Behind This Smile…


Behind this smile, I find that I am slowly losing myself again. Is it depression? Is it anger? I have no idea. I have gotten so good at hiding behind a broken smile that no one else can see me slipping away again. Some moments I am fine. Then others, I am not. I have been rapid cycling because I never know when my bipolar disorder is going to betray me again. I never know when it’s going to crash me all the way down to the bottom instead of partially.

I think I have been slowly coming off of a more often than not elevated mood. Does this mean the rapid cycling is starting to come to an end and is going to firmly hold me down under the water of bipolar depression? I wish I knew.

What I do know is that I am not feeling right lately. I have been slacking on Babygaga, I have been slacking on blogging, on housework, and on life in general. I feel like if only I could just “snap out of it” that I would be able to tackle everything again. Only thing is, I can’t just snap out of it. This is me, this is my life, and this is my story.

I feel like writing is pointless anymore because I have been dreading having to write certain articles for BG. It just seems so tedious and tiring. I have even begun to dread blogging since I was unable to raise the money to keep this site up and running because obviously, I am the one who cares about My Bipolar Mind. It used to be an outlet for me. Now, what’s the point? I am going to have to downgrade which means I have to change my layout, I am going to lose some of my pics, and everything that I have worked so hard on is basically fucked. That’s my fault, I suppose, for dreaming of a place that would actually help people who have mental health issues know that they are not alone.

Maybe I just need to know that I am not alone. Which I always feel like I am.

What’s the point anymore? I am tempted to shut down the site, the FB page and group, the Twitter and IG account too. I just want to say fuck it to everything. I just feel like there is no point in writing anymore. It’s even already getting hard enough to journal.

Until Next Time…

dont-mind-me

 

 

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Categories: Our Personal Blog, Samantha Steiner, Samantha's Personal Blog

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

5 replies

  1. Reblogged this on Where Genres Collide and commented:
    I hope you continue with the site, there is such a need. As someone with bipolar, I can identify with what you’re going through. It’s not an easy road. Hang on. Keep the faith.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A blog on a free plan can be just as effective at helping others as a blog on a paid plan. It’s the content that matters, not the layout. I hope you keep going with it 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ashleyleia, thank you. I agree. I was having a bad day and thought writing in general to to pointless. I feel like I help no one on here at times. Writing is an outlet for me but I was feeling like everything I write, paid and unpaid… I was like who actually takes the time to read what I write. But after I uploaded this post I felt even worse. And then working stuff out in my journal like ruined my faith in writing. ❤ It’s so strange. Thank you for following me and thank you for responding logically. I appreciate it!

      Liked by 2 people

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