Behind This Smile…
Behind this smile, I find that I am slowly losing myself again. Is it depression? Is it anger? I have no idea. I have gotten so good at hiding behind a broken smile that no one else can see me slipping away again. Some moments I am fine. Then others, I am not. I have been rapid cycling because I never know when my bipolar disorder is going to betray me again. I never know when it’s going to crash me all the way down to the bottom instead of partially.
I think I have been slowly coming off of a more often than not elevated mood. Does this mean the rapid cycling is starting to come to an end and is going to firmly hold me down under the water of bipolar depression? I wish I knew.
What I do know is that I am not feeling right lately. I have been slacking on Babygaga, I have been slacking on blogging, on housework, and on life in general. I feel like if only I could just “snap out of it” that I would be able to tackle everything again. Only thing is, I can’t just snap out of it. This is me, this is my life, and this is my story.
I feel like writing is pointless anymore because I have been dreading having to write certain articles for BG. It just seems so tedious and tiring. I have even begun to dread blogging since I was unable to raise the money to keep this site up and running because obviously, I am the one who cares about My Bipolar Mind. It used to be an outlet for me. Now, what’s the point? I am going to have to downgrade which means I have to change my layout, I am going to lose some of my pics, and everything that I have worked so hard on is basically fucked. That’s my fault, I suppose, for dreaming of a place that would actually help people who have mental health issues know that they are not alone.
Maybe I just need to know that I am not alone. Which I always feel like I am.
What’s the point anymore? I am tempted to shut down the site, the FB page and group, the Twitter and IG account too. I just want to say fuck it to everything. I just feel like there is no point in writing anymore. It’s even already getting hard enough to journal.
Until Next Time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.