Photo by Mark Asthoff on Unsplash

Lost On This Bipolar Rollercoaster Ride…

I am somewhere on this bipolar rollercoaster ride, but I am not quite sure where. I think I may be stuck in the midst of a mixed episode. I have some symptoms of mania, yet some symptoms of depression at the same time. I will go from being highly productive and wanting to get things done to being the complete opposite. I am not exactly sure how I am feeling, and because of all the this, I am pretty sure this is a mixed episode. 

I feel irritable and uncomfortable. I feel stuck. Plus, to add to my list of growing disappointments, because of the drop in views for the company I write for I cannot afford to move. No fresh start. I am really disappointed. But it’s my fault because my boyfriend can afford his portion of the bills but I cannot afford mine. He tells me it’s not my fault and that work is just slow, but I feel like it’s all my fault. I should have written more, I should have worked harder. I should have done something and been more proactive.

I haven’t even been taking care of myself like I should be. I’ve been like this since I came back from vacation which was just like a week ago or something. To me, it feels like I’ve felt like this for weeks now. Time just keeps slipping by and I don’t know where it has gone. Before I know it, it’s the end of the day. I haven’t even called my sponsor because, by the time I realize it, it’s too late to call.

I feel like such a mess. As of right now, no one even knows how I am feeling because I just don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want people to go, “There goes Samantha, she’s lost it yet again!” I am usually very open about my feelings, but the fact that I am not verbalizing it is not normal for me. It’s like I just don’t care. Maybe I am a bit numb, but I have no reason to be. Again, I have no logical reason to feel the way that I am feeling.

Until Next Time…

Samantha