Lost On This Bipolar Rollercoaster Ride

bipolar-rollercoater-unsplashPhoto by Mark Asthoff on Unsplash

Lost On This Bipolar Rollercoaster Ride…

I am somewhere on this bipolar rollercoaster ride, but I am not quite sure where. I think I may be stuck in the midst of a mixed episode. I have some symptoms of mania, yet some symptoms of depression at the same time. I will go from being highly productive and wanting to get things done to being the complete opposite. I am not exactly sure how I am feeling, and because of all the this, I am pretty sure this is a mixed episode. 

I feel irritable and uncomfortable. I feel stuck. Plus, to add to my list of growing disappointments, because of the drop in views for the company I write for I cannot afford to move. No fresh start. I am really disappointed. But it’s my fault because my boyfriend can afford his portion of the bills but I cannot afford mine. He tells me it’s not my fault and that work is just slow, but I feel like it’s all my fault. I should have written more, I should have worked harder. I should have done something and been more proactive.

I haven’t even been taking care of myself like I should be. I’ve been like this since I came back from vacation which was just like a week ago or something. To me, it feels like I’ve felt like this for weeks now. Time just keeps slipping by and I don’t know where it has gone. Before I know it, it’s the end of the day. I haven’t even called my sponsor because, by the time I realize it, it’s too late to call.

I feel like such a mess. As of right now, no one even knows how I am feeling because I just don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want people to go, “There goes Samantha, she’s lost it yet again!” I am usually very open about my feelings, but the fact that I am not verbalizing it is not normal for me. It’s like I just don’t care. Maybe I am a bit numb, but I have no reason to be. Again, I have no logical reason to feel the way that I am feeling.

Until Next Time…



Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Mental Health, Our Personal Blog, Samantha Steiner, Samantha's Personal Blog, Uncategorized

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9 replies

  1. Hugs. I have bipolar too. Some days are rough. If you need help, talk to your sponsor or doctor. It’ll get better. As they say, this too, will pass.

  2. I’m lit the same at the moment ahh! It’s so annoying but it will get better <3

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