Photo by Alexander Csontala on Unsplash
Vacation 2018: Struggling With Recovery
I’m miserable right now and struggling with my sobriety in the most horrible way at this very moment in time. Today has gone from good to crappy, to great, to shitty. I am so up and down and all over the place today. I hate it. I really do. I have cried off and on today. Being only almost 10 months sober and on vacation with a bunch of drinkers, it is just screwing with my mind. There were consequences if I stayed at home, and consequences if I came.
I thought this year was going to be easier than last year, but so far it still sucked. I’ve had people make comments about my weight, my clothes, and I have had to deal with being around drinkers. I am so tempted to down every last bit of alcohol in the house after everyone goes to bed and just simply say fuck it and hope for alcohol poisoning. I just feel so done.
I feel like no one understands what I am going through here, especially not my boyfriend. He wants me to just get over it. Like it’s that simple. He just doesn’t get it. And I don’t think he would care enough to try to see it the way I see it. It’s like he wants me sober but to still act like I did when I was drinking and be all social and associate with everyone who drinks and be a part of the drinking crowd without actually consuming any alcohol.
There were no meetings to go to today and none tomorrow either. However, we are going home tomorrow evening.
Today started off well enough and I was trying to work but then his mom decided to host “tea time” which has nothing to do with tea, and more to do with a large group of women getting together to gossip and get wasted during the afternoon hours. So then I started to struggle with urges of wanting to drink and wanting to drink so bad it hurt. I lost my cool and just got so miserable and started with the waterworks. To calm me down, my boyfriend took me to the boardwalk where we went to this arcade and played games.
I played this one game where you had to whip balls at these clowns for points and you would earn tickets. I played it like 10 or 11 times until my arm started to feel sore and my face was completely flushed from aggressively throwing balls at clowns and blowing off a lot of steam in the process. This simple game completely calmed me down. It was amazing. I wish I could have put it in my purse somehow and took it home with me. I was able to win this adorable pig squeeze thing, a glow in the dark emoji ball, plus a finger trap for Mike.
We get back to the house and ate dinner and then went for a walk on the beach together and collected some seashells. So, I thought the night had completely turned around for me. I even video chatted with my dad while we were on the beach.
Shortly after we get back, his mom and dad came home and informed us that people were yet again coming over to “get together.” That then proceeded to ruin my night all over again which ended up causing my boyfriend and I to get into an argument where he told me that I am “ruining his life” because I don’t want to associate myself with a drinking lifestyle.
I have to just keep telling myself that today was just a bad day and that tomorrow will be better.
Until Next Time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.