Late Night Thoughts: June 14th, 2018

I was really starting to think that this depressive episode had fully lifted and that this dark cloud that was over my head for the past few weeks had started to fade to reveal some sunlight. And it may even be semi-true because these past two days during the day I felt fine – maybe even on the manic side.

I was very productive and got a lot of work done. But then tonight, I started to feel completely restless and then the black cloud made its way over my head once more.

I am back on the bipolar rollercoaster. I am at the top of the steepest slope and no one can hear me scream from below; where my family and friends watch me and assume I am having a good time on this chaotic ride. That is just how I feel sometimes.

I still don’t even fully know what’s wrong with me either. Sometimes I can’s help but wonder if my mind just starts creating stuff all on its own when things are finally going well for me. I mean, who gets depressed when everything is just peachy? Me… that’s who. It just does not make sense and I think I drive myself even crazier trying to figure it out.

“It’s not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fuckin’ messy”

Despite what anyone thinks or has said to me, I really do not choose to feel the way I do. I don’t know one single person who has a mental health disorder that chooses to feel depressed. Even people I know who have struggled with mental health issues has told me that I “do this to myself.” What is that supposed to mean, anyway?

It just irritates me that people even have the audacity to assume something so ridiculous.

On a different note…

Our society needs to learn how to be nicer to each other. Why treat another human being like crap when you have not walked in their shoes. I will admit, I have had my own moments of unkindness, but I am more aware now than ever. I have come to the realization, quite some time ago, that I honestly have no clue what another person is going through because I am not in their shoes. I don’t like when people are mean or rude to me, no one really does. So why should I be rude or mean to others?

For all we know, the person we just made fun of for looking dirty could have just lost a family member. The cashier you just chewed out is in an abusive relationship. The girl you just called fat has an eating disorser. The person you screamed at for bumping into you on the street is planning to take their life tonight. The point is, no one could ever possibly know what another person is going through.

Some people, even those closest to us, sometimes suffer in silence. They may even tell you bits and pieces but you’ll never know the whole story because most people are afraid to admit out loud and to others just how hurt they are.

My own best friend did not even know how bad it was for me until I let her read a letter that I had intended to show no one. That night I cried so much and got a lot out but still felt like I got no where. I needed my best friend to stay with me so bad that night but she couldn’t because her boyfriend needed her more. I didn’t plan on making it out alive that night but after she left things got blurry for me and I woke up the next morning feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

On a side note: Now, I feel like it’s my fault her article never got done. She even mentioned about it not gettimg done the next day. If I wouldn’t have lost my shit she would have had it done by now. And it’s been a week since that incident. I feel so guilty.

I’ve had some major urges to self-injur tonight, but I haven’t. I decided to journal and blog instead. Sometimes I do take my own advice. I need to create another impulse control log since I started doing that more often again.

Thanks for reading my late night ramblings!

Until Next Time…

Samantha 💕